The Outcome Of It All (Long Entry)

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Hey kids, what’s going on over here?  So….I haven’t written in a couple of days…for obvious reasons.  I know that I sort of left everyone hanging with that last entry.  But like I said, I needed some time to process it all and figure it all out for a while.  So that happened Wednesday morning.  I had already planned on going to my brothers, having him take me to the Dr. Office so I could get my paperwork (which that’s another fucking issue) and then just doing my thing.

Obviously I have been suspicious of all this stuff for a while…and I KNEW he was getting on AFF and stuff.  I get on there and chat, I tell him this.  I have even talked to random people and told him about it, showed him the conversation and we have both gone into the chat room at the same time.  So it’s not like I was hiding going on there.  I wasn’t sneaking around doing all of any of that….but I wasn’t sure what ELSE he was doing on there.

So Wednesday, he got up and went to work, and at 8 AM the alarm on his old phone went off, woke me up.  So I came downstairs to turn it off and just turn the phone off, went back upstairs because my head was killing me as it was.  At 8:20, the alarm goes off again.  I guess when I tried to turn the phone off, it didn’t shut down all the way.  So I was like ugh, whatever, I got up and turned it off.  

Then I got curious and tried to log into his AFF from that phone.  I had honestly tried to do that on his tablet before and he had logged out of his page so I couldn’t get into it.  I figured whatever.  But I tried again on that phone and got in.  Well, I just looked at all the different emails that he had.  There was like four to and from different chicks and two were from guys.  

The first one was actually a guy that had "hotlisted" me and had viewed my profile a couple times and the day before I had commented on the fact that this guy’s profile stated that people shouldn’t contact him if they were a slew of things and one was "fat".  So I was like why is he hotlisting ME then?  And I showed him which person it was.  He let out this like Knowledgable laugh.  That kind of piqued my interest because of the fact that the guys name was bi something or other.  So yeah….

So anyway, I saw the email and that Randy was trying to set up something with him.  The other guy was someone he had gotten with a while back and that the guy said he was going to be in town sometime in October and would like to see him again and Randy had said that he thought it would be nice to see him too.

The others were just emails about wanting to meet up and have sex and the other one that really made me angry was the one in Phoenix where he was planning on meeting someone up there while he was up there for his interview.  He asked her if she could host while he was there.  There had been no response to that one, but yeah I was pretty much just like I have had enough of this and I exited out.  I was shaking mad by that time and my head just pretty much exploded.  I wanted to cry and throw up and just throw shit.

Then I knew he had been talking to that Maggie chick on Google Hangouts the night before.  now…this chick has been trying to get in between us since day one.  The thing of it is, is that he TRIED to get with her before he got with me, but she didn’t want to go out with him at that time, so he just gave up on her.  That’s when we met, then all of a sudden she was available and "ready" for a relationship or whatever.

I remember when she started texting him again.  He got a text from a random number and she wouldn’t tell him who she was at first…then she called and left a voicemail and he figured out who it was.  Then she called him again one night when we were sitting here on the couch and he was like uhhmm yeah not gonna answer that.  I told him I should have answered it.  Ugh, stupid bitch.  

Well anyway, so I knew he had been talking to her on Google Hangouts and so I was curious to know what they were talking about….so that night’s conversation was just kinda random shit…then all of a sudden she asks him "can I have some of your sperm".  He was like WTF.  And she was saying something like we’ve known each other since we were 16 and have had a history, blah fucking blah.  Now, this is what REALLLY made me mad.  I was pretty much blacking out from rage by this time because I was so mad.  He told her "we need to talk about this".  

He didn’t say no…he didn’t just automatically shut her down and tell her she was CRAZY for asking such a thing….he just said they would talk about it.  I’m thinking to myself WHAT THE FUCK IS HE THINKING?  Why would he even CONSIDER giving her that part of him when he’s with ME.  So that just pretty much was the icing on the cake.  There were a couple other conversations in there with other people, but I don’t think those people are of concern and are from his past.

But yeah….so, that’s when I text him telling him the alarm on his phone went off and that I turned it off.  And he was like ok blah blah blah let me know if you need anything.  So that’s when I just let it all out.  I was about to fucking burst, I was shaking and crying and my head had just pretty much exploded and it hurt SO bad.  That conversation commenced and ended where I told him I wasn’t going to be at home when he got here.

So I text my brother and asked him when he planned on going to do his stuff.  And he called me, said he was up doing some stuff for work and that Amerie hadn’t gotten up yet, but that she should be up at like 11.  So I told him I was gonna get in the shower and "go for a walk".  He was like a walk?  And I just kind of broke down.  I was like yeah, I just need to get out of the house for a while.  He asked what was going on and I told him I didn’t want to get into it.  He said he was there to listen and I told him I knew but I just didn’t want to get into it, it was between me and Randy and we just had to talk about it.  He asked if he was here and I said no he’s at work, but I just needed to get out of the house.  So I told him don’t be surprised if I end up at your house.

So he was like that’s quiet a walk (like 5 miles) and that he would be done and when Amerie got up he could come for me.  But I just was like I don’t want to wait. 

So I showered, got ready and headed out the door.  I was going to walk to the Park on Fairview and just sit and think…but I figured I should just head to my brothers.  So I did that.  It was fucking hot and so I had to stop at IHOP and get some water.  Sat there for like 20 minutes cooling off and stuff.  Then I gotmore water and headed out again.  I got about halfway down Grant and called my bro to see where he was at in his work.  So he said he would be done in like 10 minutes and that he would come for me then.  So he called me back like 10 minutes later, just as I was getting to the Safeway parking lot.  

He picked me up and we went to the house.  I just kinda chilled, got some water and did a few things.  Posted the last entry with all that stuff and then my brother got done with his work, bathed Amerie and he got in the shower.  By that time, Randy had said he was getting out early from work because he wanted to take me to the dr. office to get my paperwork.  I told him no, my brother was taking me, that I knew he wanted to help but I just needed some time to myself.  This was the conversation…

So yeah that was that.  I went to the Dr. Office because they told me my paperwork was done.  I get there and ask for it.  I knew it was too good to be true.  So I looked through it and the Dr. had only signed ONE page out of all the ones he needed to sign, which was like 4 or 5.  UGH.  I took it back up to the front desk then actually saw the lady that had taken the paperwork from me.  So I went to her and was like yeahhhh….about that.  So she was like I’m so sorry.  So she marked all the different places he needed to sign and sent them back again.  UGH.  I was pissed off.

My bro had to go to the Fiat place to turn in his insurance or something and so he did that.  I talked to my best friend, Lorena while he was inside.  I called her because all this was too much to text.  So we talked for like 15 minutes and then I was like uhmm yeah I’m going home now sooo yeah.  She was like good luck.  She told me something that I just pretty much was like yup.  She told me well good luck, I hope you feel better and "if it’s worth fighting for, then fight for it".  I told her, it’s almost a fucking year.  he’s had so much time to tell me fuck it and move on…but he hasn’t he’s stuck beside me through all the shit I went through so why would I not think it’s worth fighting for?

My bro dropped me off and I just kind of took my time coming inside.  I was dreading it a little bit.  I went to the bathroom when I got here, he was upstairs.  So I came out of the bathroom and he was standing there.  He tried to go in for the kiss and I put my hand up to my mouth.  Then he tried to hug me and I put my hands up like DON’T TOUCH ME.  He got the hint and backed off.  I said…

"Before you say ANYTHING…I want to know why you would even CONSIDER cheating on me when you yourself have been cheated on.  You know how that fucking feels, WHY THE HELL would you put someone else through that?"

He just had this look of devastation on his face like FUCK….I also asked him what the fuck was going on with Maggie, why he would consider doing that.  He was like yeah I was going to tell you about that today, which he probably wouldn’t have had I not found the conversation.  I asked him why he didn’t tell her no immediately?  Why that wasn’t his first response.  He was like I was GOING to tell her no because that’s not fair to you.  So I was just like WTF really?  And about Amber, I asked him what was SO fucking special or different about HER that he couldn’t tell her about us.  Why did he have to come up with some damn story and make her believe we JUST got together when we’ve been together almost a fucking year.  

He just said that he didn’t know why she was different, that she WASN’T different.  I kind of just had nothing else to say on that subject at the moment, so I came and sat down.  He just stayed on the stairs for a bit and then came and sat down next to me.  I asked him why he was setting stuff up in Phoenix when he was going up there.  He was like that was going to probably fall through like everything else had.  I was like but STILL why did you even try to set something up.  So he was just like I dunno.  Then I told him that Lorena had told me if it was worth fighting for to fight for it…and I did think it was worth fighting for.  That it was almost a fucking year.  That I loved him but all of this shit was ridiculous.  We both started crying at that point and I was just like UGH.

Finally I was done talking and was just like blah, so he hugged me and we both cried a little bit more.  I just was done talking at that point.  So we sat in silence for a little bit.  Then I took a deep breath and was just like yeah.  We started talking about other stuff and everything smoothed out for the time being.  We made dinner and ate then watched a movie.  The rest of the evening was just kind of chill.  

We went to bed and just kind of like cuddled and stuff, didn’t really do anything, I was just kinda like meh.  Plus i’m still bleeding my life away.  So yeah.  got up Thursday morning and hung out.  I made Eggies in a Basket for lunch.  

So that was good.  We did some cleaning and just lounged around all day.  My parents were gonna be in around 9 that evening.  They had to wait for the kids to get out of school because they were bringing them for my brother so he wouldn’t have to go down today and come back, since they were going to the game.  So yeah, they showed up, we hung out and then went to bed.

Everything is calm for now.  I had planned on going to Phoenix with him for his interview, because that’s another thing he said.  he was going to ask me to go with him, but I know he wasn’t…because if he had been planning on asking me to go with him, WHY the hell was he trying to set something up.  So yeah I was just like I dunno if I wanna go or not.  Then I just was like ok I’ll go.  Then the more we talked about it, it was like what am I going to do for the time that he’s at the interview?  He could drop me off at the Mall…but the Mall is further into Phoenix than he had to go.  So I was like yeah, maybe I’ll just stay, cuz my parents are coming anyway.  

So that was that.  went to bed last night and even though my parents were here, we had some fun lol.  I just gave him an amazing BJ which 
we both enjoyed.  The thing he said about me not being able to satisfy him and having issues while having sex is that he’s stressed out and tired and it’s been hot.  I understand the fact that he’s been stressed out…and all of this really started when he was getting denied and passed over this recent time, so I get that.  butI told him that it still kinda hurt my confidence and all that.

But yeah, last night was pretty good and quick.  It’ll probably be more tonight because I finally stopped bleeding and we can have some real fun.  Today he went up to Phoenix by himself.  He left at like 11…got to Phoenix around 12:30…had his interview at 1, which he was done with by 1:15 or so.  Then he turned around and came back home.  Was back in Tucson by like 3:30.  We were out and about, eating and stuff and had to go to the store, so he met us at the store, then we came to drop my dad off because he wasn’t feeling well, then my mom, Randy and I went to Walmart to get the rest of the stuff we needed to get.

Then his dad called him, saying that he was taking Connie to the Gaslight Theater for her Birthday.  That his brother (Adam) was going to be their DD but needed something to do for like 3 hours while they were there.  So Randy went and hung out with Adams for a few hours and then he just called me a bit ago saying that they were gonna go to the Swap Meet for a little while and that he would be home later.  So yeah.  That’s that.  

I know he’s with his parents and brother and they go to the Swap Meet every Friday so yeah.  I was like uhmmmmmmm ok?  I’m sure he noticed that I was kinda hesitant, but yeah dunno what else to say really.  Tomorrow I dunno what we’re doing, then Sunday is Amerie’s party which should be a blast.  Supposedly this place we’re going to is a lot of fun for the adults as much as the kids.  It’s like an indoor jumping castle, so that’s awesome.  Hmmm yeah.  Monday is a holiday and so I’m supposed to get a call sometime on Tuesday about my Paperwork.  I’ll have to figure out how to get it that day because I’m watching Amerie that day.  Then I gotta get the paperwork, make copies of it and send it off.  

I apologize for the extremely long entry, but I just wanted to get everything out there.  Let you all know that I am doing ok, that things are smooth for right now, and that I still have stuff to talk to him about.  Like on Monday after my parents leave, I’m going to be like I didn’t want to bring any of this up while they were here…but as far as the Maggie thing goes, you don’t have to block her on G+, but you DO need to tell her she needs to slow her fucking roll.  You are with ME and that’s not going to be changing any time soon (I hope).  And that the request for his sperm was VERY inappropriate and it doesn’t matter HOW LONG they have known each other, that is NOT something you ask of a person who is in a relationship.  If she is planning on remaining single and wants to have a baby so bad, she needs to go her ass to a fucking sperm bank.  

Then….as far as the Amber chick goes.  He needs to tell her, flat out…that we have been together for almost a year.  No if’s and’s or but’s about it.  That is fucking with my confidence something awful….because of the fact that that just makes me feel like the last 9 months have meant nothing.  Both of our profiles are off on AFF…so there’s no emails coming in or out there….but I mean there’s still the IM and chat rooms, so I’m also going to bring that up.  He already knows that the level of trust is broken…so that’s something that he should expect.  I told him I haven’t had a reason to go through his stuff before I started getting suspicious.  So yeah.  blah.  

Anyway, like I said, sorry for the HUGE entry…but it’s allllll there now.  Have a good weekend everyone.