Sporadic

Trying to keep up, but every time I come here, the aforementioned scatterbrainedness hits, or a child is crawling in my lap wanting to nurse, or a helicopter is being thrown across my living room…you get the picture. 
 
My kids are FINALLY well. Let me go knock on every piece of wood I can find. It’s been 3 months of back and forth. One kid sick, then the next one. We’ve had fevers in the 104 range, we’ve had horrible coughs that nearly lead to vomitting, a trip to the ER for a whooping cough test (that takes a freakin week to get back), more antibiotics than I care to think about, a case of pnemonia, and being accused of infecting a bunch of other children at the potluck when I didn’t even know my kid was sick at the time. In short, it fucking sucked. The antibiotics actually made Jaime better, so we’re assuming that he did not, in fact, have whooping cough. Look back (because we all know about hindsight), I think it was the same respiratory thing that the rest of the kids had (maybe the flu? because ya know, the flu isn’t actually throwing up…), made worse by his already-compromised respiratory status due to having RSV as a baby. 
 
All sickness aside, the holidays went well. Yule was a good time – I spent the entire day cooking up a storm, then relaxed with friends, had a fire, all good things. Christmas Eve we spent in a million different places – starting with my mom’s in the morning, a trip to my cousin’s for brunch, Laura’s to kill some time in between, and finally my dad’s. My mom did really well getting the kids things that I approve of – it took 5 years but I guess she finally got the hint that I’m not afraid to return things I don’t want my kids to have. lol Either my dad didn’t get any of us anything, or else he forgot to give it to us in the hustle of the family get-together, but he hasn’t called, so I’m thinking the former. Oh well. Not that Christmas is about "stuff", it just seems off to me that my kids didn’t get anything from 1 of their grandparents, ya know? Christmas morning we went to Wes’ parents and had a good time. I knew most of what I was getting because I was the one who ordered it for my computer-illerate mother-in-law, but that didn’t make it any less awesome. lol I got a scraping beater, a meat grinder, and a shredder/slicer all for my kitchenaid. A large set of 36" long bamboo circular knitting needles and a few other random things. The rest of Christmas day was really relaxed – we just laid around the house and played Starcraft while the kids played with their toys. 
 
A lady from my local awesome AP group just moved in 4 miles from us. It’s ridiculous how excited I am. We went over there today and it was awesome to be able to visit someone without driving for half an hour. lol She has a 20 month old little boy, and if we manage to get another vehicle in the next 8 months (which I’m really hoping we do), I will likely be watching him starting in August. His mom is a teacher, so the hours will be long and the pay will definitely suck if you consider what it is per hour, but really it’s just getting paid to add another kid to my crazy horde for 9 hours a day, and so all things considered is actually probably going to be a really sweet deal. BUT I have to have a vehicle that will take 4 car seats, because there’s no way I’m staying in the house all day every day. lol We’ll take him with us to homeschool playdates and visiting friends and whatnot. Basically continue our normal life, just plus one. Of course, that’s almost a freakin year away, so no point in counting our chickens, but still, hopefully good stuff. 
 
Speaking of plus one, just pretend there’s a whole giant paragraph about baby fever and how difficult it is to accept that I’m never having another baby here. Or how even the thought of waiting the 5 years I promised to reevaluate the situation feels crippling at the moment. It’s not even about needing a girl so much anymore. I think, somewhere deep down, I’ve come to accept that I am a mom of boys, and if I ever manage to talk Wes into having another, it will be another boy, and anything else will just be an amazing surprise. But in 4 months, it will be the longest I have ever gone without being pregnant in the last 6 1/2 years. I was pregnant when Xander was 18 months (even though I lost that one) and then a few months after that. I was pregnant right after Jaime turned 1. Mal is 13.5 months and I’m dying. Why does it seem like I’m sooo overwhelmed with the kids that I have, and as soon as I get a grip and things start getting easier, it seems like it’s a great time to start over and make things hard again? I don’t get it. It sucks, not being able to do anything about it sucks, and acknowledging that I might possibly lose my mind with 4 cihldren at this point in time but not caring sucks even more. 
 
Alright, I’m going to go put my children to bed now. And remind myself that if I were to have another, I’d lose my nights alone again, at least for several months. Not that my hormone-driven mind cares what my logical brain tells it.