Life is full of coincidences…

Ohhh life you are so crazy sometimes!

So last night I went over to Grace’s house after all the Thanksgiving day stuff I went to. She called our friend Zach to come over and bring us something. This is the same Zach that I slept with like forever ago…I forget when but I was still living in my old place and it was probably summer time. Anyway. He came in and said that his new neighbor JUSTIN was outside waiting in the car. As soon as he said Justin inside my head I was like "WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT A MINUTE HERE" and immediately wondered if it was J1.0…you know the guy who I had a massive crush on and I totally fucked things up with? Yeah…him. Him and Zach are around the same age…I knew J1.0 goes to school in the same town that Zach (and Grace) live in and I knew that he wanted to move to that town. I didn’t say anything to Zach and just tried telling myself, well there’s a lot of dudes named Justin out there, it doesn’t have to be him, right? So after Zach left I decide to go look on facebook to see if they were facebook friends, because as far as I knew, J1.0 never knew Zach before…sure enough they ARE friends. Then I look at J1.0’s page (I have him hidden so I can’t see his status updates and be sad about them) and it now says he lives IN THAT TOWN! AHHHHH IT HAS TO BE HIM! HAS TO! WTF?! I’ve been over to Zach’s quite a few times and I see him all the time not to mention I SLEPT WITH HIM! What if him and J1.0 talk about that and figure it out? J1.0 will FOR SURE think I’m a slut. I don’t see why I care really because hello, it’s not like J1.0 wants anything to do with me anyway but omggggggg. How awful and what a fucked up weird coincidence. I guess this is what I get for sleeping around with dudes but seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! UGH! I’ve been thinking of J1.0 way more than I should lately anyway and I just feel sad and disgusted with myself at how things worked out. Like so many times I did stupid shit and I can think of 2 times he invited me to drink at his work and I just blew it off cuz I didn’t think he really wanted me to BUT HOW FUCKING DUMB OF ME! WHY WOULD HE INVITE ME IF HE DIDN’T WANT ME TO COME? UGH! Then that whole stupid Life in Color thing which I never wrote about it in here, but I don’t even want to remember that terrible, awful night which was seemingly the demise of my friendship with J1.0. I honestly wish I could just go crawl in a hole right now.

I feel so stupid like I just don’t even know how to be normal or do things that aren’t dumb! I fuck everything up and I know I should be trying to stay positive but dammit…sometimes I do just feel like a giant fuck up. =(

I really wish I could have another chance with J1.0 and I really really miss talking to him…but believe me, I know he doesn’t miss talking to me and probably never even thinks of me.

But I’m sure the reason he waited in the car last night was because he knew I was there and blahhhhhhhhhhh. He has dropped me off at Grace’s house before too so I know he knows that is her house!!! WTF! I need to just get over it, but damn. Life man…it’s crazy.

There was other stuff I wanted to write about but I feel like the dumbest slut on the planet right now so yeah…

Here’s to hoping tomorrow is better than how I feel right now =(