Feeling Down

I definitely don’t get to writing here very often. I find it easy to read diaries while breastfeeding during the day but I don’t really get a chance to write anything even if I want to.
I’m just getting over food poisoning at the moment. It was SO lovely! My husband got food poisoning last month and I think we both got it from the same thing (Bolthouse baby carrots). We went on a roadtrip to visit some friends and I was the only one to eat those in the car. I was so sick and didn’t know why for the last 3 hours of the trip. When I got home I went straight to the bathroom pretty much just waiting to vomit. I could feel it just sitting in my stomach. I finally managed to throw up and immediately got cold shivers and a fever. Then of course the baby got hungry. My milk wold not let down and she started screaming her head off, neither thing ever happens, she is the calmest quietest baby ever. I started feeling super sick again and of course right before I throw up my milk lets down. I yell for my husband to bring screaming baby in, feed her and on the bathroom floor with puking in the garbage can my husband is holding for me. It was one of those terrible mom moments for sure.
I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my milk supply and letdown reflex for the past few days. It’s really making me sad and frustrated because I have never had issue, I always make too much. I’ve been shoving as many calories and fats and teas and water into my face as I can. IT sucks.

On top of that I’ve been feeling super unsettled with where I live for the last many months. I mean I never wanted to moved here to begin with but it was basically the smartest place to be (and still is). Best money in the country for my husband’s job and he gets his schooling paid for. His family lives here but my family does not. The summer is nice but the winter is COLD and LONG. (it snowed and didn’t melt from oct1-may1 last year) I do not like winter and cold. So basically I have had winter anxiety all summer and now it’s already around -1 in the mornings. We visited my family last month and now I feel even crappier being here. I like my in laws to an extent but they aren’t MY family and they are super negative. I feel like all the do is bitch and complain. My daughter loves them but when she spends time with the grandparents it’s basically watch tv, eat food, maybe go outside for a bit and go shopping. With my mom and dad she plays, does crafts, bakes….etc.

The crappy thing is I don’t know where I actually WANT to live but I dont feel happy here and haven’t felt happy here. Sure we own a house and making good money and getting schooling paid for and half some family but I’m not happy. All the things I enjoy like hiking and actually having people around with the same ideals….that isn’t here. I mean most people here I meet seem to formula feed because everyone here is such a spazz about breastfeeding. So cloth diapering is like insanity, or that I had a midwife or take herbs or don’t eat mcdonalds every day.

Ugh….I have been here before and I don’t like it. I have told my husband I am not happy and I don’t like it here but we pretty much dont have any options. The only option is for me to move back to where we used to live, and he works away for a couple weeks at a time. The doesn’t sound good either. I really hate being an adult sometimes. I just want to suck it up and accept it but it’s hard to just push down all my feelings like that. I don’t think that’s really healthy either. Blah, there is no easy answer on this one.