08/02/2012

Well, it’s done. I gave my notice at work.

It went more or less according to plan. I was going to go into a conference room, and message my boss from the computer in there with a “Can I talk to you for a sec? I’m in daffodil” (our conference rooms are named after flowers for some reason.)

So I went in there, verified it was empty, and got on the computer. Right then my boss looked in the door so I asked if I could talk to him for a minute. He came in and shut the door and sat down.

I laughed, which is what I usually do when I am nervous. So I started in on, “Well, there’s no easy way to say this, but I’m going to be leaving…” No reaction. He hadn’t comprehended yet. “…so I need to give you my notice.” Eyes pop open. “Oh…” he says.

I went through the boilerplate I wrote on my cellphone while I was eating lunch. Offered a new opportunity… in line with my goals… blah blah. I don’t remember what I said and I don’t know if he does either. He asked me a few questions, it seemed like first he assumed I was going to the bigger health system in town. (I had an offer from them, but this one is better) He seemed understanding when I explained why I felt that job was a better fit for me.

Against my better judgement I told him when he asked what organization I was going to, they say that you shouldn’t say anything when you quit about your reasons for leaving or where you are going because that stuff can’t help you, it can only hurt, but I trust him.

He was really professional, even though I know this is going to make life tough on them in the short/medium term.

Toward the end of our conversation I mentioned a few things I want to make sure get taken care of before I leave, and when thinking through those details I could see that he started to think “yikes”, so I ended it there and went to tell my (new) coworker. Her response was “What!?” Half serious, half just – speaking in the informal rapport we have with each other.

My other coworker is on vacation. She’s been out for two weeks visiting her daughter in San Diego.

I know she’s going to be… well, upset or angry or whatever. She’ll get over it, but – well, I don’t blame her. After a year we finally hired someone and someone else leaves. I wouldn’t fault her for being upset. There’s nobody there who can do what I do, so life will be harder in the short term.

One of my friends here noted me saying that for most people, it’s hard to genuinely be happy for someone else when something great happens to them if it is a little negative for you. I am guilty of that as well. Don’t blame here. No matter when someone leaves it’s never a convenient time.

–

I don’t feel as jubilant as I expected to feel.

When I left my last job, which I hated at the end, I remember that I turned in my “badge” (the keycard thing that unlocks the doors). Turned in my laptop. Then there was nothing to do but walk out the door.

It was February 20th. I remember wearing a winter coat and walking down a very long hallway. My last walk down this hallway. I’d walked the opposite direction in the morning so many times – bleary eyed, late sometimes, recently – scared.

I had been so scared, because there were layoffs going on and I was extremely stressed around a lot of stuff – this was right after I got back from Europe. But I was taken care of, like I always am. A job opened up.

This day I felt a tidal wave of relief. I was safe.

I remember the way the door handle felt – it had those rectangle shaped things across the middle of the door, and you push it and it makes that metal door-opening sound. I opened the door and this rush of air, that cold fall-smelling kind of air, washed over me. No more would the air conditioned fluorescence behind me touch my skin.

I could see the sky above the trees behind the parking lot. But I paused a moment because what I really wanted to hear was the door latch behind me.

Click.

That was it. I was out. I had turned in my badge, and so even if I wanted to I couldn’t go back inside again. I didnt work in that building anymore. By pausing, I was almost trespassing.

It was a nice walk up to my car. When I’m happy and walking outside in nice weather, I can feel myself smiling, and I look up at the sky a lot.

Days when you feel blessed make you want to stare at the sky for some reason, don’t they?

God could have made a featureless world. He could have made a world that was brown and flat everywhere, and didn’t have a sky – just a cardboard-looking roof of some sort. Just like he could have made creatures who didn’t laugh, or water that wasn’t cool and refreshing, or babies that didn’t look and smell so innocent. He could have made people who never felt love, who never had a girl turn their heart into a glowing ember.

But he didn’t make the world that way. He made things like the immense, dimensionless sky, and the immense oceans, and mountains, and all the rest. I think he made these things for us to wonder at – I think he made them because they are unspeakably beautiful, and just so that we could feel loved. So we’d know he was there and he put things here for us to feel loved.

Blue sky and crackly-looking leafless winter trees and that cold air smell. I know you are here. I cried out in fear and you took care of me. I love you.

–

I haven’t had my walking out the door moment in this transition, yet. This is a taller mountain to climb than my last move was. I don’t know anyone there. The job will be more challenging. I’ll be further from home than ever.

I have to depend on you more than ever. That’s how I know this will work.

Blue sky.