Bittersweet

I met my Alister here on OD, in the end of 2002. He was a sweet guy in a hopeless online relationship, as was I. I started talking to him because of that in common, as well as he was just a genuinely nice guy.

In Jan of 2003, we exchanged msn details and managed to meet up online one day. That day changed my life. After 10 hours chatting, which included a wave hi on my webcam (he didn’t have one yet…something he fixed the very next day), and exchanged voice messages….I was hooked.

We chatted everyday that week, and after the first two days, we got to see each other on video as well. After that first week, he told me he loved me, and ohhh I felt the same.

I had some chats with my friends at this time, many of my mormon friends warned me that it would cause me pain in the end to fall in love with a non-member. As we dated, I heard that warning repeated from friends and family. Sometimes it was a gentle warning, other times it felt like attacks. I persevered for my love, and was so happy.

After many ups and downs and trips between countries (oh, did I forget to mention I lived in Utah and he lived in Christchurch, NZ?), I decided to make the move to be near him and go and live in NZ, to see if we could make a go of it.

Now, to be clear, in my religion we are meant to save ourselves for marriage. I admit I didn’t do this. I convinced myself that I was going to marry this man so it was ok (and no, he wasn’t my first, but this isn’t a confessional). So I moved in with him in 2005. After various adventures and exploits, we fell pregnant in the fall of 2006. I had a miscarriage, he proposed marriage at my favourite beach the day I got out of hospital. Then we were lucky enough to be married in the USA at the end of that year. It was a lovely ceremony at our church, performed by my uncle, who happened to be a bishop of my mom’s ward at that time.

We had problems conceiving again after that. I went through many medications, herbal supplements, acupuncture and everything else you could think of. In the end of 2007, I went home to visit my family and have a nice cruise. I missed Alister terribly of course, this was the longest we’d been apart since I moved to NZ. While I was there, my uncle gave me a blessing….that I would visit the doctor, find out what was wrong. That I would follow what the doctor said and would soon conceive and then have babies.

And that’s just what happened. I went home, was diagnosed with PCOS in December 2007. I started taking Metformin and was pregnant by March 2008. (of course, we only found out in May, lol)

We were so excited! We moved from our little flat, and rented our first house. We set up a baby room and prepared for our wee one. We found out she was a girl, and named her.

On Dec 22 at 11:30pm, I woke up having some pains. I catnapped all night , not wanting to wake Alister up in case it was a false alarm (I was 10 days early afterall!!) We ended up at the hospital by 8am, and Elizabeth Mary was born at 10:35am.

We managed to get Ella to the states that year when she was 5 months old. It was a fun time since she has a cousin 4 month older than her and a cousin 4 months younger. We visited with family, and my uncle (yes the same one who married us and blessed me) gave my baby girl her name and a blessing.

Well that was the last time we were in the states. But while we were there, something miraculous happened…we fell pregnant again! This time it was a complete surprise, but not at all an unwelcome one.

Alister’s work wasn’t doing well and we were having another baby, so we made the decision to move to Nelson, to where Alister’s parents are. I worked 5 days a week and he worked 2. It was crazy, but good experience for both of us. We enjoyed preparing for the move and getting ready for the new baby.

On Christmas day, 2009, we moved to Nelson. We lived with his parents for 5.5 months, moving out as soon as Alister managed to find his job (and was made permanent) in May 2010. Our little girl, Annabelle, was born in March 2010. We were happy, life was good.

I started decorating cakes in August 2010. I really felt like I finally found something I was good at, and that I enjoyed doing! Only took me 29 years! We enjoyed watching our girls growing up, and I kept thinking that I wanted to get back to church. I started thinking about making sure I raised my girls in the church. The world is so full of bad influences, and I really thought that church was a good way to buffer them, show them good things and the right way to live.

Alister was supportive of this. We got the bishop here in Nelson to bless Annabelle when she was about 7 months old. I attended church a few times. I fell away again because it was just so hard to attend alone, with one or two kids. Or I would go myself and feel guilty because Alister was at home alone with them.

We found out we were pregnant again in May 2011. This time it was a real shock, as I was sure that my body had regressed and I would have to start all over again. I felt sure I was going to miscarry. I didn’t even try and get excited, I just felt like I was biding my time until heartbreak again. I started attending a few meetings. I was reading my scriptures, I was thinking about families.

I realised that I was a horrible example. I say I love my religion, but I’ve been inactive essentially since I moved here in 2005. I thought about my children, my earthly marriage. I love my husband SO much, and I only get him a few short years. My beautiful children….are they mine? What will they be to me after this life? I hold them and cry because I don’t know if I will get to keep them. I have another sweet spirit headed my way. Am I selfish to keep bringing children into a home that isn’t blessed with the priesthood? One that will be broken as soon as death rears its ugly head?

I go to church, and I hear about eternal families, about temple marriage. I can’t stand singing “Families Can be Together Forever” because it gets me sobbing. It hurts right down to the core. I did this to myself, I did this to my daughters. I remember those warnings that my friends gave me before I got in too deep with Alister, and I wonder….if I could go back, change my mind, would I? I don’t know. I can’t even go down that path in my mind, because it’s too late. I LOVE my husband. He is everything that a man, husband and father should be. Oh, he’s not perfect, but he loves me despite everything, he is caring and gentle. There’s just that one thing missing. That huge world changing….one thing. I feel greedy wishing for more. But it causes me so much pain.

I love my life. I have a beautiful family, a man who loves me. I have a good extended family who takes care of us so well. But I can’t practice the religion I believe in with my whole heart, because I know, through my own actions, I have doomed myself to this pain for the rest of my life. It hurts, and I don’t know what to do….

Please, no comments, I wrote this for me.