Bought and Sold, Like Property

God I need someone to talk to. I am so on the verge of tears, and just can’t let them flow. I figured out today that I just need a good cry. A good honest to God break the fuck down and cry your eyeballs out cry. But when? But where? I’m never alone. I’m never ok.

Went out for his birthday tonight. After all that has been said and done on my own part this last week I expected more. But still, I see him and I just feel happiness for him and his bride to be. Words are different. Words are far more powerful than thoughts can ever be. The passage I keep from him can’t possible be truth, if it were tonight would be different.

Tonight should have been different. Why? My husband didn’t feel good. Big fucking surprise. The man never feels good. Especially when it comes to things I look forward to. I swear he does it on purpose. Things change. I get that, but I feel I have changed way too much to conceed to this relationship. Let me count the ways…..

I have gained 40 pounds since I have met you.

I hold ONE friend (ok, two if you count G) from before we met. You have made me forsake all others.

I am no longer even a little bit healthy.

Our activities revolve around when YOU are in a good mood.

When you’re not, I seek for more.

I have no point to this entry. This last week i have stone walled myself. To the point where I actually have realized that my divorce was completely my fault. Not only my fault, but a wonder why he married me at all. Granted, I warned him……warned him about the horribleness that was me. I wish I hadn’t taken his decision to accept me so lightly. Maybe he was the only one who ever got me, who would ever get me. And I threw it all away.

I hate Jon Larson. I think had he not come back into our life, my marriage might have survived. I know it is stupid to blame it on one person, especially a person outside the marriage. But there it is. I hate that man. I hate that my man would sit for HOURS in a CAR with him and ‘talk’. Gay much? Come on…….! What was I supposed to think?? You enjoyed your time more with him than you did with me. And to that I say, fuck YOU. You quite chose him OVER me…over our marriage. Did you know that….I truly thought you were DOING him?? That you LOVED him more than me???

*Sigh*

So many thoughts tonight. Too many to keep up with.

Joey, I’m not angry anymore.

Are you kidding? Now this song? Ha ha……Save Tonight….