Nude Beginnings

~Maybe this year will be better than the last~ Counting Crows

What a difference a day makes. It’s amazing to me the way you can wake up (albeit with a hangover) when the sun rises on the first day of the year and miraculously, things seem to change.

2004 was a shitty year. I won’t deny it. I had a dream last night that I was hit by a drunk driver on new year’s eve and I awoke from a coma 7 months later thinking that 2004 had just begun. I kept asking for James, not knowing I was divorced. Brad was there, and I didn’t even know who he was because we hadn’t met until March. Most of all I just wanted to go home and lay beside my husband, and cuddle with Zeus (who died very suddenly in February). Maybe because that’s when I was the happiest. Just being there, not thinking about all the things that hindered us, but the one thing we still had left to hold onto.

Those things in my life are gone. And waking up on January 1st, 2005, seemed to make it okay to accept. I haven’t accepted it until now. I haven’t even wanted to.

2005 brings aspirations of weird things. I’m getting my real estate license the end of January. Two weekend classes. I plan on buying a home, and my first rental property. Old friends have come back into my life, and new ones have shown up. Love is on the horizon. This isn’t at all what last year promised.

It makes me sad, everyday. I think of you, everyday. I need you to know that. But 2005 has hit with a bang, and I think you feel it too? Only a couple more firsts…and those demons will let us go. I hated not kissing the same person I have for the last 4 years when the ball dropped. For that and more, I’m sorry.

My new year’s resolution is to live this life for me. To stop caring what other people think. To know that as long as my decisions are made with pure intentions, the judgement of others’ is moot. I don’t mean to hurt anyone, but damnit…when is it my turn not to??

~Fade to Black~