I’m Thinking of Joining a Cult

The promise of a new year scares the shit out of me. It has every year, every year to come. I get overwhelmed, making too many promises to myself, never fufilling them.

Ever.

I’d like to think this year will be different, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon either.

Strange thing happened today. I was writing a thank you card to my Grandmother for the Christmas gift she sent us, and I signed it ‘God Bless’. Without even thinking. Stranger yet, on Christmas Eve, I asked my Mother if I could go to Church with her on Sunday. I think we both almost fainted.

It doesn’t scare me when the missionaries or our home teacher comes over anymore. I look forward to it actually, but I am always disappointed when they leave because I feel like I didn’t get what I wanted out of it. If I wanted someone to come over and chat, I could call a friend. What I really want out of them is to find some answers, get a little bit more understanding as to why they felt like giving up their entire life for a while to go on a mission, and whether it was worth it. Whether God is worth it.

I found myself almost crying when James’ mom read us the Christmas Story from the bible on Christmas Eve. It touched me deeply. Not that I hadn’t heard the story before…but it was because, I wasn’t in church, and I wasn’t hearing it from a pastor. I had chose to be there, and everyone there had chose to be there. The words that James’ mom said were chosen. My point being, is it wasn’t told to be another way to exploit God, it was read and told to us, because they believe, and trust God. It’s mindblowing to me. To partake in religion, not because you have to, but because you want to.

Maybe because I’m growing, and looking for some answers, to real questions. I’ve never found them in religion before, mostly because I have a hard time believing in something so intangible, and mythological, and it usually leaves me with more questions than answers. But if I’ve looked everywhere else, and am still left with nothing, what do I have to loose?

“Love, it’s the devine power and the one true religion, we all feed off of it, and it proves…that when this is all said and done, there is more to come.” ~Ross Neely, in the infamous ‘Feminine Wiles Car Conversation’

Someday I’ll tell you about it.