Empty

I have another theory on why I feel so empty.

I think it is because I am finding out that my life is no longer what it was.  My friends are no longer who they once where.  The bond between me and Ryan is non-existant.  My goals are comming true and there is no more in life to do. 

I use to be able to go to any one of my friends for anything.  I could tell them anything.  Now they have thier own views on life and have no time for what I am thinking.  They feal so strongly about not caring that anyone saying that they have emotion is to much.  They will willingly talk about how the world is bad to them and no one can relate, but as soon as some one does they ignore it.  They have turned it into a game called "Lets see who is less understood."  They don’t care about what I have to say.  They will listen just long enough to make up something about them that is just a little bit worse.  Why must people take everything and make it into a compitision?  Why can’t they be sad, I be sad and then we it out?  Andre is no longer there to listen.  He is there just to let everyone know that he is "fucked up in the head"  I just want to scream at  him to let him know that everyone is.  No one can ever go thier whole life with out fealing like no one understands.

Yesterday I asked Ryan to hold me.  As I was in his arms I realized that I didn’t feal anything.  It felt the same as if I was holding one of my dogs.  Body warmth was the only thing I got out of it.  He use to be the reason I was alive.  He introduced me to things I have never thought about.  He set me on the road of making the world better and being my ture self then he just left me.  He pushed me out the door but didn’t tell me where to go.  I miss the passion that he once brought into my life.  Everyone around him would instantly try and do good things.  Now I have seen that passion leave his eyes.  When I met him he let me know that he liked to drink, he loved to play poker,  he liked to skate bored, he had his own views on what music and goverment should be, and he accepted everyone who thought differently.  That was who he was and he wasn’t going to change for anyone.  I loved that about him.  Now most of those things are gone from his life except for the music.  He doesn’t understand why I don’t love the music he does and hate evey thing else w/ every ounce of my strenght.  The movies and random things that he likes change everyday.  As soon as Andy desides he is against something so is Ryan.  Ryans views are now what ever Andy’s are.  And Ryan’s views arn’t even strong.  It is like he is on auto pilot and only says yes and no when it is nessesary for him to prove that he is still alive.

Once I hit my goal then what?  I will have met every expectation that I had for myself.  Where do I go from there?  How can I go up if I am already at  the top of a mountain?

Seeing myself like this scares me.  My house is a mess because I have no desire to clean.  Some days I forget to eat.  Other days that is all I do.  I have not put on real clothes other then for my interview.  That was also the only time I have stepped outside my yard in over two weeks.  My lawn needs mowed.  The seeds that I spent everyday caring for are shriviling from thirst.  I do just enough so no one will know what despair I am in.  I can’t sleep and when I do it is only for a few hours a night.  I want to sleep so badly, but when I do I am scared that the answer to all of my questions will come and leave.  Some days all I want is for someone to notice, but other days I just want no one to notice me.  I am smoking non-stop.  My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do to make it better.