Apocolypse Wow!

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Man this sites goofy.  It’s wicked slow.  I hate the mail.  I haven’t gotten the mail since October 17th.  The only time I go look at the mail is in the middle of the month when my Game Informer is gonna come.  Otherwise who cares?  Its never anything good.  Its never like a package.  I like packages.  When the nuclear apocolypse comes and we’re all living in small nomadic bands I already know what Im going to ask my tribesmates for for Christmas; a full UPS truck.  How great.  Just go in there and dig around, rip open packages.  "Oh snap!  Hand blown highball glasses from Nova Scotia."  Greatest Christmas ever. 
Speaking of the end of the world, I got it figured out.  I have a plan.  So alright, it occurs to me, everyone can do something.  I cant do shit.  I cant cook, I cant fix a car, I cant shoot a gun.  So when the end of the world does come, like I’m going to be the first person that people suggest we eat.  So I got an awesome plan, best plan ever.  When 20 of us survivors from the area are sitting around the fire going over what it is we did and they get to me, Im gonna be like, “Whats up, I was a priest.”  I’m in.  Ya need a priest.  People are retarded for God.  Cause having a priest in your group post nuclear apocalypse has to raise your group survival rate by like 50%.  And the greatest thing is I don’t have to demonstrate anything.  Ya cant go in and say youre a doctor.  Cause eventually someone will be like, “Ouch”, and then everybodys gonna be looking your way.  Then youre fucked.  But a priest?  I mean, come on.  How hard is it to be a priest?  If someone says “Ouch” they look to the doctor, then you say, “I’m going to lead us in a prayer”, the guy saying ouch gets better, you say, “well, good thing y’all got me around” and they’re like, “Yeah, it is a good thing or that guy woulda probably died.” 
And there’ll probably be some wiseacre who’s like, “Ra!  Where was God when the bombs went off!?  Huh!  Where was your God then people??”  And I’ll give a pensive look, next meeting, I’m the first one piping in, yo listen up guys, we gotta kill Ted.  Just going off of what I see day to day in this country, there’s gotta be like 5 people within my group that are gonna be like, Ok priest, I love jesus, yay!  Ohhhhh, and then if things do get hairy, I’ll sell them on the, alright listen, probably shouldn’t be telling you guys this, but this was Armageddon, jesus is coming back soon, so don’t fuckin embarrass our group by being dicks.  Otherwise Jesus will be like, ahhh, those guys are dicks, screw those guys, and then we’re on our own.  Yeah.  So anyways, I don’t really fear nuclear war anymore as much.