Fatty fat fat fat fatty

So heres a story. A Christmas story. Once upon a time I was 7. All I wanted in the world was an AT AT Walker from Empire Strikes Back. A metal imperial juggernaut used to enforce tyranical legislation with an iron fist throughout the galaxy. It was about as big as a dog and the drivers sat in its head (which had missles that really fired) and the body part was where the storm troopers would be stored.

Which I never really understood how they got down from there. I mean why even try to balance some 1000 ton death machine on legs. Why not just treads like a tank? Unless they just wanted to have some kinda intimidation factor. Kinda like how the nazis wanted to create those giant guns that could fire from France to England even though they were to expensive and just werent practical. And when ya think about why did the Empire use land speeders as the method of transportation on Endor? It was a thick coniferous landscape. Its all fuckin trees. Why wouldnt they use a mode of transportation that goes above the trees and use somethin slower to search for rebels under the canopy. I mean thats gotta be like all you read about in the Endor newspapers. 17 more speeder fatalities. Geez, hey why dont we use these bikes that go well over a hundred miles an hour to speed through that planet with all the trees. Is it any wonder the empire lost. That is just poor totalitarian planning.

Regardless, all I wanted was an AT AT Walker. $50. And we were in Target and my mom told me she couldnt afford it. I told her to write a check, bitch said no. So Christmas morning comes, no AT AT Walker, I come to the realization that Santa doesnt exist or hes a prick. I turned my resentment to my mom. Ive never let it go and I bring it up to her every Christmas.

Therefore, my christmas miracle is that someone doesnt know this story and then stops by and says here, I dont know why but this made me think of you. And….its my AT AT Walker. I become filled with the spirit of the season and run to the window and scream. “You there, boy! What day is this!?” “Why today, today sirs christmas day!”

But as it is, Ill sit home on christmas and masturbate to its a wonderful life, reachin climax when Jimmy Stewart starts sayin Merry Christmas to the buildings. “Merry Christmas Movie House!” *splat* “TAKE THAT STEWART!”