Space Pimp: Living, Holiday Edition

Ive been hearin on the news that tuna might kill ya cause of the high mercury content. Bein allergic to tuna I think the only way I could be happier is if the news was reportin an outbreak of inopperable brain tumors in people who consistently use cell phones. Thin out that herd, cut those bank lines in half wooo!

Ive decided Im gonna go get a full frozen tuna fish, and beat someone to death with it so I can watch the news say “another tuna related fatality….but not as you might think.” That obituary would be a framer. Especially if it was an old man I killed, like 98. Just cause everyone would assume natraul causes but nope. Blugeoned to death by a fuckin gill havin underwater dweller. And ya know that guys great grand daughter would send me a thank you card. Cause someday in the future shed have to write a gay lil story for grandparents day about one of her grandparents, shed choose Grampa McCrushed Skull, and the lil bitch would get an A. And for shaaaaaaaaame on any teacher who wouldnt give a child an A fer that report. …For shame.

And because Im a giver, in a way Christ like, I wanna share advice with ya, although Im in no way advocatin this. Nah I totally am, in fact Im darin ya pussies. Anywho fucker, this is kinda Martha Stewart like

How to murder someone in 7 steps.

Materials Needed: Tuna; 1 Can
Tuna Helper; 1 Box
Thermometer; 1. Preferablly rectal as its funnier
Naive enemy; 1*
* Friend who sassed you may be substituted for enemy.

1. Offer to make naive enemy Tuna helper
2. Break thermometer (preferablly rectal), stir 1/2 ounce mecury** into Tuna Helper.
3. Serve
4. When coroner asks “Had your friend eaten any tuna recentlly?” Answer “….Ya know, now that I think about it….I beleive he did.”
5. Tell deceaseds parents that deceased mentioned to you once he wants his funeral to be cattered.
6. Go to funeral, gorge yourself at the trough of homocide
7. Appreciate irony if food is poisoned with mercury and you die
**Add additional 1/4 oz for high alltitude regions

So there ya go. Holiday wishes to you and your loved ones. Intergalactic Space Pimp, Signing off.