Alone

Since I stopped being a bully, my life has been different. Sure it’s been different as in I don’t hate myself for ruining other people’s lives. Sure, I feel better about myself for being true to who I am and not following my friends. But, it’s been really lonely. I mean, I spent a lot of my time with Charlie for many years. And lost most of my friends. It was just me and Charlie. Of course I did have friends but noone close. And that’s never really changed. I’ve never felt close to my friends. Except maybe Josh. And with Josh I feel close in that he would tell me anything. Not in that we could do everything together and I could tell him anything. So, for the past almost 5 years I’ve been pretty lonely.

I know I’m only moaning about this because I’m feeling particularly lonely at the moment for various reasons but it’s just on my mind.

I have plenty of friends. I do. I have always been part of the ‘popular’ part of school. Up until year 9 it was the most popular lot. AFter year 9 (and when I stopped being a bully and when people started to tell the people who carried on bullying to fuck off) it was the group who were big and there were lots of them so we were popular but not the ‘it’girls.

what am i rambling about? I’ve been struggling with my words all day. Either finding words at all or making any sense out of the words i can find.

basically, i don’t have any friends that I know want me around. I don’t have any friends that I don’t think I annoy. Or I feel comfortable talking generally without worrying i’ll sound stupid.

is this because of my own insecurities and i get nervous and so push people away or…do people just not like me?

either way, it sucks being alone. or feeling alone, i guess.

Lauren