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So much to talk about.

My grandad.

My grandad is very, very ill. I have no idea how much time he has left. His cancer has taken a worse turn and they are taking him oxygen tanks to his house this week to help him out a little. I’m very upset about it. I haven’t been. His struggle with cancer has lasted…3 years? I think it’s about that. It’s as if I’ve detatched myself from it. I think it’s because it went in slow motion. We found out he had cancer. I dealt with that. He had his operations. I dealt with that. He caught a hospital superbug. I dealt with that. He had his troubles with his bag. I dealt with that. It spread to his liver. I dealt with that. It spread to his lung. I dealt with that. They decided it was terminal. I dealt with that. And now…I actually have to recognise that he’s dying. They next stage is him leaving. I’d forgotten about that stage. We just got over, as a family, each separate part of it. Now…how the hell do I deal with the fact that we are waiting for him to die? Over the past weekend I’ve found myself getting tearful every hour or so. I’ve been good at hiding it I think (apart from from Jordan) but…fuck. I don’t know how to accept it. I’m just constantly upset.

Friday night

I got upset in bed about my grandad. Was crying as Jordan fell asleep. Ended up talking to Jordan and crying and blah blah and I admitted something I’ve never told anyone. I guess I can say it on here now. I need help. I need someone to talk to or someone to tell me what to do or…something. I don’t know what. I feel like an idiot even typing it. It’s so stupid and weird and I know I’m crazy. I guess this is what my cutting is directed towards right now more than anything. I’m putting off typing it because I know it’s so weird. I don’t know how to put it. Sometimes…I hear voices. Man, I sound fucked up. I guess I am. Let’s leave that there for now. I can’t deal with explaining it right now. Or maybe I just can’t explain it.

Last night

Went to Christian Union Christmas Dinner. The members had to invite a non christian friend and I was Helens. It wasn’t that bad. They didn’t convert me. They didn’t make me want to learn more (although I’ve always been open to learning more which is why I went so that would be a difficult thing to do..)but it was cool The food was lovely. The people were lovely and I had a nice time. I did learn something.

Laura got drunk. Very drunk. I’m not in the mood to tell all the hilarious stories but here’s a couple…
Laura threw a glass across the room and smashed it.
She was sick in the mop bucket.
she was sick in the shower.
She sat with her head in between Jamie’s (the guy she fancies) legs to keep herself upright.
She went to the loo and couldnt stand up. I have now seen Laura’s minge.
She turned the shower on herself…just in her knickers and a top…and lying in her own sick.
She refused to get up off the floor of her shower for about an hour and a half.
Good thing though…it’s made a major step forward with Project Get Laura and Jamie Together. He’s gonna ask her to the xmas ball…and maybe out to the cinema tomorrow.
etc etc etc

Today

Late for work. Woke up late. Hated it. But tonight I said to Jamie on MSN that I was popping to the shop at just before 10. It is now 1.30am and I’ve just got back. We just sat chatting and went for a drink at the SU and had a really long gossip and it was lovely. Jamie is adorable and I can’t wait for him and Laura to get together.

End of ramble

Lauren x