I love everyone

The other night I was trying to distract myself from cutting so I went downstairs to smoke. I was sitting at 3am on my own outside and thinking. I don’t know whether it was because I had just watched a load of a film that was about love and happiness and goodwill or whatever but I starting thinking about my family and my friends and Jordan. Man I love everyone.

I was thinking about my dad’s birthday next week and how my mum said he said he didn’t mind if I didn’t have time to pop home. No way in hell am I not going home. I always write ‘Daddy’ in his birthday cards and write him a poem and I love giving it to him. I can’t afford to give him much for his birthday but I still want to be there and give him a cuddle. My dad’s always given me a kiss on the lips when we say goodbye (and when we are close enough to kiss) and I always felt a bit uncomfortable with it but I don’t leave home without giving my daddy a kiss now. I miss him so much. It’s weird. Being away from my family has made me realise that, even if I’m not really part of the family and I don’t really fit in with them, I still love them to pieces. I never got on with my dad really. Not that we argued, we bickered but we weren’t angry with eachother much. We just didn’t have much to say to eachother. But, it’s cool now. It’s good. And I’m not at home to enjoy it.

I was also thinking about Jordan and relating it to my parents. I always knew my parents loved eachother. They have a very loving relationship and hardly ever argue (just moan at eachother) but I never knew what it was really all about. It’s true what they say about love – you don’t know what it is, you don’t understand it, until you feel it. It’s just *makes hand signals* I can’t describe it. It’s just so good and intense and…I’m so happy that I get to be in a relationship that is just as loving as my parents’. I’m so happy for myself and even happier for them. I really hope me and Jordan get to live a life like theirs.

So anyway, I was sitting on my own in my PJs in the dark in the middle of the night and I just started crying thinking about how lucky I am. I wish I was close enough to my parents to explain this to them and let them know how much I love them. I know I COULD say it but…it would just be weird, you know? And I tell Jordan all the time but I don’t think I can explain myself very well. It *was* comfortable and nice and sweet and lovely. Now it’s all of those things but there’s something extra. Something stronger and more intense. Love, I guess. Real love. And it’s amazing and overwhelming and I’m so incredibly happy when it comes to the people who are around me, the people I care about.

Lauren x

(P.S. Jordan, I love you.)