vodka shots on my own

Is it bad that I feel I need alcohol? I mean, I’m not a big drinker. When I go out I drink more than anyone but generally, I’m not fussed about alcohol. My dad wll offer me wine with my dinner and I’ll opt for a glass of squash instead. But…I’m just so stressed. have about a quarter of a bottle of vodka on the shelves in front of me. I really just want to grab it…down it and then sink to my knees and have a good cry. I’ve been thinking about it since last night. I was dying for my good uni friend Nicole to come back today. I mean I could go out for a drink with anyone else here but I would have to chat and pretend I’m having fun and get to know their friends and…blah. I just want to escape to the quiet corner of the Tram with Nicole, get a few double Southern Comforts down me and have a rant. She’s not coming back until Wednesday now though..

It does scare me a little that I feel like I need alcohol. I barely ever even want alcohol but I just keep staring at this bottle of vodka. I feel like I would be failing by drinking it out of the bottle. But it’ll make things better just for a second. It will give me that release that I get from cutting. Something I feel like I need to do, know that I don’t actually need to do it, know that it will cause me harm and no good but…I’ll feel better for doing it anyway.

Fuck it. Give me vodka.

Lauren