a bit of everything

Things are feeling a bit tough today. Not for a while have I felt the need to cut this strong. Maybe it’s because I’m coming up to the end of 18. I struggled at turning 18 because that’s the age when most of my friends have been killed. Sarah Marie Brent Jackie Paul *decides not to list them all* I did not want to be 18. So why now am I struglling at turning 19? Maybe it’s relief. Maybe it’s just reminding me of everyone. Maybe it’s started to make me question why do I get to reach 19 when so many beautiful people are stopped. I don’t know. Maybe I just use any excuse I can to let myself cut.

I’ve also felt an urge to get back more into poetry now. I mean I’ve been writing but not that much and nothing that great either. But…I’m stuck for ideas. I have no idea what to write about and when I do think of something I just can’d find the words. Or I can’t make the words fit together. Or I can’t decide on a rhythm. It’s getting me so frustrated. So if anyone has any ideas for poems…send them my way. I don’t care what…serious, jokes, happy things, anything at all that you think I might be able to relate to in anyway. hah…can you see how desperate I am now?

I also feel that I need to change my picture on my diary. I don’t have any cute ones of me. I like the one I use on the OD boards…partly because it doesn’t look much like me. I just…nothing suits this diary. Maybe I shouldn’t have a picture at all. I always think that the picture on your diary has to say a lot about you. It has to tell the person who just found you on random or on the front page what the tone of your diary generally is. I don’t think I have any pictures that do that. Not ones that don’t make me look like a munter anyway.

My course has got so confusing already. I’ve decided to make an Eye Dictionary. It seems that every technical term has 2 different types and each of those types has 2 more different types and those have 5 different variations. So, every time I’m told a new word to do with the eyes impa lecture I’m going to add it to my dictionary so I can look things up and they will have definitions in my own words when I need to. I so wont keep it up but it will be SO useful if I actually do. And I really need to get my printer working so I can get into the habit of typing up all my work. I can’t at the moment because I need to take them to my lectures. So I write them out. But that takes so long and then I read my scribbled notes wrong and have to start again a million times. If I can get into the habit of typing them up the night I get them or at least the next day I will actually know what my scribbles were on about and I will be organised and I might actually pass. I’ll try. Somone promise to jab me every now and again to make sure I’m doing it please..

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough and have changed topic so quickly and so much that I now have no idea what to call this. I’m just a bit of a scatter brain today I think.

Yeah…laters

Lauren x