Am I bothered though?

Look at my face. Do I look bothered though?

I aint bothered. Ollie can fuck off is all I have to say. Yeah well, he’s been sleeping with some girl called Amber since January. Yeah. he’s been seeing both of us. Does that mean he was cheating on her with me or cheating on me with her? He wasn’t going out with either of us but I guess he wants something to happen between them and not between us so I guess that makes him more serious with her. So he cheated with me…but then does he only want it with her more than me because I was the one who found out? I waited for him to tell me. But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Apparently he was going to tell me. Apparently it has been on his mind constantly. Apparently he’s felt guilty for so long. Apparently that didn’t stop him from sleeping with her a few days after he slept with me and then taking me out for a meal a few days after and ending the night with pashing. Apparenly Ollie is as much of a wanker and people told me he is.

We finished our drinks in the pub in silence after I let him know I knew and he grovelled. (He had raised his voice when getting defensive and I had calmly let him know that we were having a discussion not an argument…that soon shut him up) Then we had a 25 minute car journey home (After I had slowly finished my fag and then calmly said ‘come on then, let’s go’) in silence. When I got out of the car at my house he said quietly "i’m sorry for everything". I shut the door in his face…in silence.

It didn’t occur to him that, because of when I was raped, I am slightly nervous in situations like sleeping with someone. I get a bit funny about things like that. I didn’t occur to him at all that honestly in that situation might be quite important to anyone, but especially me. He just didn’t think that he shoudl tell me that he was no longer a virgin in the 15 minute conversation we had before we slept with each other for the first time. Even if he hadn’t admitted he was seeing her, it would have been nice to know he wasn’t a virgin. (Oh, and by the way…he didn’t lie…I never asked – that was the one point in the talk that I actually shouted in the pub "are you fucking kidding me? it’s my fault you didn’t let me know because I never asked?? silly me for assuming you were being honest and open with me when we had that talk before hand" haha oops)

But it’s ok. He is so not getting the £40 I owe him when I get paid next Friday. Not unless he asks for it anyway. He doesn’t want to think that I ever plan to talk to or even look at him again. If he wants the money I will give it in an envelope to his mum at school and tell her that I don’t wish to go anywhere near her son so could she pass this on so I never have a reason to speak to him again.

*takes a deep breath* He’s really hurt me. I know I’m joking about it but…he has hurt me so much. I can’t believe I trusted him. I stood up for him so many times when people told me he was a wanker. He just has a way of charming people that I thought was honest. I thought he was genuine. I wasn’t just being a naive young girl in ‘love’. Zoe and Josh were just as shocked and fuming as me. Ashley knows Ollie a lot better than they do. Ashley knew he would hurt me but even he didnn’t think Ollie could be that insensitive. Everyone is shocked that he could be such a wanker to me and Amber.

Oh and by the way,  no she doesn’t know about me and no he has no intention of telling her and no I have no way of getting into contact with her. Believe me, I’m trying. He doesn’t want to think he is getting an easy ride out of this. I can be a bitch when I want to be. I don’t think I’m out of order being a bitch towards him right now, do you?

Wanker.