Dear Fenderz

Mr Fendley,
I’ve sat many times with a blank piece of paper willing myself to find the words that I want to say to you. You tell me to talk to you. And I want to. I want to tell you everything that’s going on with me. I want to tell you why I’m disappointing everyone so much right now with my school work. I want to tell you everything that’s distracting me but I can’t. I don’t know how to approach you. And then I think, even if I did, I wouldn’t know what the hell to say. Either that or I would know exactly what to say but wouldn’t dare come out with it.
The thing is, you’re a teacher. And after Mr Steer rang my parents twice without speaking to me first (which they weren’t happy about either) and one teacher asking another pupil about my home life, I’m finding it a little difficult to speak to anyone, especially teachers. The thing that is most confusing about you is that I do trust you. I do know that you are someone who genuinely cares about the people he teaches and, as a person, I trust that you would keep things confidential. But, at the end of the day, you are a teacher. I guess that’s not the only thing. I don’t talk about my problems out loud. My best friend and I share almost everything and we email because he lives away now. So…I don’t ever have to face people when they are listening to me because he’s the only person that I really speak to.
I’m not writing you this letter to tell you that I can’t speak to you. I’m writing to tell you that I want to. That I’m willing myself to just ask you to listen because the truth is, I do need some help now. I have been dealing with everything that’s been going on for the past couple of years fine but..it’s getting slightly out of my control right now. You see, the thing is, I’ve been self harming since I was 11 or 12. I’m OK with being a self harmer, it’s not something that I shout from the rooftops obviously but, I wouldn’t say that I am ashamed of it and I don’t really have any proper desire to stop. My trouble is, things have been rough with me the past couple of years with various things going on ‘in the background’ as Mr Steer would say. Things like my grandad being diagnosed with terminal cancer, a few friends being killed in car crashes, a couple of friends committing suicide, my mum being taken into hospital just recently, a best friends stepdad beating his mum up and me ending up getting involved in the whole thing. Things have been hectic and I’m starting to feel the strain now. My cutting has gotten worse and I’m starting to feel like I need to do it even when I haven’t even had a bad day or anything. I’m just scared that it’s starting to get out of control and that someday I might take it too far…either without meaning to or just because I overreact to a situation and turn straight to selfharm.
I’m kind of stuck with what to write now. I don’t even expect a response to this. I just guess that, with you knowing, perhaps I’ll feel embarrassed about doing it so much..because I would think of what you would say to me. I guess it’s just a comfort to have someone that I know cares about me understand that I’m struggling at the moment.
Lauren