1/22/06

I feel so strange recently. I can’t understand myself. everything’s changing and I don’t have control over it. I don’t mean things that are happening. I mean within myself. It’s like I’m on autopilot sometimes and then I switch back to me. I’m in an autopilot mood right now. It’s like I have a million thoughts running through my head but I can’t seem to catch onto what they are. I can’t seem to focus on any of them. All I know is that this isn’t me thinking. I’m going back to the old me. The me I never showed anyone. I’m constantly on edge. I don’t feel like I can speak to anyone. Not…*speak* just…about anything. Making conversation is such a struggle. I just feel like everyone is looking at me. I just feel like everyone knows what I’m thinking. But noone can find out what I do. I’m so shaky. I don’t know how to stop myself. It’s not me when I do it. I swear. I promise. It’s not me. I wouldn’t do that. I mea, it’s doesn’t hurt anyone else. It’s just me that it messes up. But, it makes me lie to people. It makes me hide things. Every little thing ends up a lie. I mean the simplest things end up being lied about.

I have it tied around my ankle this time. It’s safer there.

God, what’s wrong with me?