Honest

*sighs* Ok. honesty time. I had a long long long chat with someone from my past about something very important that has been ruling my life. It dictates my evey decision and I am fully aware that it does. It plays on my mind every moment of every day. I constantly feel guilty about it. I constantly beat myself up about it. And, enough is enough. He made me realise that even I have had enough of me being a miserable old cow. So times are changing. I would say as of right now but that’s just not realistic. But I will do it. And that’s change enough just for now – to be able to say I will do it changes my whole outlook.

Now there’s something I’ve not written about. I’ve gone a bit downhill the past month. Maybe it was about a month and a half ago that this started again. Being honest, getting it off my chest. Not a secret anymore. I’ve taken my cutting down to another level. I’ve started burning myself again. I’ve done it lots before but I hadn’t done it for ages. I started agian and…I hate it. I hate it so much. I don’t really scar too obviously for the majority of my cuts. I mean obviously the scars are there but…I can cope with them. Burn scars are a lot worse. Even seeing the ones from when I used to do it makes me so angry at myself…so seeing new ones just makes it so much worse. But it’s OK. I haven’t cut or burnt in a few days. I was going to about an hour ago but I decided to distract myself instead. I went to smoke and then I phoned dearest Henry. He really cheered me up. And then I came back online to be honest.

*nods* ok. done. it’s written.

*goes to watch big brother*

-Lauren x