Dear H

God how I want to phone you. My phone is constantly in my eye sight. I pick it up occassionally and open it, just to check I haven’t missed a call from you or…to check it’s not turned off so that you can call. You know what, I don’t want to call you. I want you to call me. I want you to tell me I’m being stupid. Perhaps I even wish you would just come and take me in your arms. Perhaps I know that having someone to depend on is something I should embrace. Perhaps I fucking know that!! Perhaps I’m just scared. Perhaps being close to people is not something I feel comfortable with and being this close to you, and it feeling so right, just feels wrong. I don’t like it. It scares me. This does not happen to me. I am close to people for a while and then I back off. Why can’t I back off from you? What is it about you? Why wont you let me go? *whispers* why don’t I want you to?

I don’t like this anymore. I’m panicking. Seriously panicking. I feel like I’m constantly shaking. I know I’m not but it feels like I just have to keep on the move so that I can ignore the shakes. I have never typed so fast…and in my short spaces of thought whilst I try to remember what I was typing my eyes are darting. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t concentrate. I can’t do this anymore. And…I can’t just sit here. But, what I want to do, I can’t do yet. And, I can’t phone you. I feel like I’m messing you around now. I’m just so confused. I could go smoke. But I would have to walk. I can’t just stand there smoking. But I have nowhere to walk to. I have nowhere to go. I can’t go to the docks. I only go there to think about suicide. The waters always look so calm. So calm but always so cold. I would give anything to dive into them. And I can’t do that.  The only place I want to go to is around2 hours on a bus. And I don’t think the buses are running at 2am. I can’t sleep.  I can’t keep still long enough to fall asleep. And I can’t keep writing this entry.

Please call me. I love you so dearly.