I’m the only one who will help

OK, so, after all the events of new years eve I got to sleep about 5.30. Get up at 7.30. (Oh, something I forgot to mention, Rox ended up sharing a bed with Kernsey. No doubt she shagged him even though she promised us she wouldnt because of Harry)

Walked Zoe to work for 9…walked to my nans because my parents stayed there last night. Take the dog for a walk whilst parents are still in bed. Come home about 1pm. Get in bed at 2 for a sleep.  Phonecall at 3. Hysterical Josh asking me to go meet him. I know whereabout he is so I get my mum to drop me off at the hospital entrance. Turns out Josh is right there. He is sobbing as I approach him. I hug him right away…he then pushes me away and hysterically says thathe has no idea what to do, that he cant cope anymore, that he needs help. I tell him to calm down and tell me what’s going on. His mum has taken an overdose. He is refusing to go in the hospital. We wander around the hospital grounds for a few hours in the rain getting soaked and freezing cold…I didn’t have time to wrap up because I wanted to get to him. He rings Emma…the other friend that he speaks to…but from what he said to her later…catching her up on the story…he’s not told her an awful lot that’s happened in the past month…only the bare minimum. I wont put all the details on here but…yeah…she’s taken an overdose. We are so cold. Emma picks us up because it would take over an hour to walk back to mine…then plue about 20 minutes to get to Josh’s. But, I guess he wouldnt want to go there anyway because his mum isn’t there. And he didn’t want to go to his dad’s because he would ask loads of questions and Josh just doesnt want to talk about it. *sighs* We go back to Emma’s and she makes us hot drinks. He breaks down when trying to tell her and asks me to. I can barely bring myself to say it.  I could put all the details of this but…*sighs* I feel like crying. He’s one of my best mates. I love him so much. I’ve become so protective of him. People take the piss about him being camp and always ask if he is gay. Normally I just tell them to leave him alone and get annoyed. But recently it’s been getting me angry. He doesn’t need anymore shit. People can just fuck off. Noone even knows him. Noone even goes to the effort to get to know him. He’s such a lovely guy and noone sees that. And  I think he needs as many friends as he can get right now.

I only cried at one point with Josh today. I try not to cry around him about it. Just be there. But, he was sobbing on my shoulder telling me that I was so  good to him and that he wouldn’t be able to do it without me and…*starts to cry* I feel so guilty. I mean…I was going to kill myself night before last. I mean, I was drunk and…yeah well plans changed as i sobered up…but how the hell could I leave him. He said me and Emma arethe only people he talks to…and I dont think he talk to Emma much…how could I even think to leave him?? He is struggling. I just keep getting images in my head of him sobbing as I wa running up to him…*cries* Oh god, I’m in way over my head.

One thing that is sticking with me is him saying how thise should be the best year of his life. He’s turning 18, he’s going to uni, he’s getting his own life but it has already turned into the shittest year. And…he was crying saying he wanted his nan…the nan that he basically watched die and had to call the ambulance for and…*cries* Fuck this. Fuck all this shit. Why the hell does…

Oh I have such a headache. It is blurring my vision. I’m so tired…physically and emotionally. I think it may have been something to do with having 2 hours sleep after a partying night and wandering round in the rain in just a thin top and jacket and fake suede boots that obviously got wet…as did my feet. But, other than that…this are just too much…but I will take as much of "too much" for Josh. I can’t leave my friend when he is ready to give up…even if it does hurt me physically so much. Plus, I hadn’t eaten all day…so…when I got home at just after 8…it was good to eat.

-Lauren