I don’t know.

I’m home and I’m extremely tired. I guess I’ll write about what fun I got up to at some point but *sigh* I just…I dunno. I feel so lonely. I haven’t been hugged in so long. I haven’t had anyone to hold me and I need it. I need to feel like someone is looking after me. I know I’m selfish but…I just need just for a little bit to not feel alone. I just need 5 minutes of not coping alone. That’s all I ask. I just need someone to hold me. Just for a while.

*gets interrupted*

That was Jason on MSN saying he’s now going out. Yeah. Bye Jason. I don’t even want to talk to him. I’m just being moody and giving one word answers back to whatever he saysbut I still feel slightly abandoned. I don’t even feel like being on the internet minus the whole diary thing. I’m not even writing an entry I’m just trying to let some of the frustration I’m feeling flow out of my fingers and onto the screen. Maybe if I type for eternity it will make everything better. Maybe if I let my fingers flow I’ll be able to figure out what my mind is telling me. Maybe I’ll know what all these feelings mean sometime soon.

I think I’m just tired. I mean, where I went for the past three days, it was physical labour with little bursts of school work through the day lasting until 8pm and with only 45minutes for lunch and dinner. It was pitch black by the time we finished work. That makes 8-11pm 3 hours free time a day and up at 7 for a shower and down for 8 for breakfast ready to start work at 9. *nods slightly* I thinkI’m just crabby because of getting wet and cold and *sighs* yeah I’ll explain what I did when I’m not so grumpy and moany because I actually did have some fun but no doubt I’ll make it sound as shit as it was and not focus on the few good times we had. so yeah…another time.

I know Jason’s  there for me. Bless him, before he left he sent me an email saying simply
*hugs* from Jason.

*smiles slightly* God I dunno what I feel for him. He’s so lovely. He really really is so lovely. And Phil spent the 3 days with me and mentioned Jason and…bah I just got in a mood. I miss him. So much. SO much. I can’t figure out whether it’s just because I’m lonely that I want him or whether it’s because… it’s him. I hope it’s the lonely thing. It will make things so much easier. I don’t want to love him. I can’t love him. I don’t. I mustn’t. Whoever said love is wonderful or love is worthwaiting for or whatever is a prat. Love complicates an already complicated situation. Love fucks shit up. Love is fucking shit. Yes, Love is shit.

*sighs* I actually feel a little better from writing that. No, not better. I feel…like my chest is emptier. Does that make sense? Like…I;ve been so tense and my shoulders just collapsed forwards a little…literally they did.

I’ve run out of steam. I dunno. I just don’t know.