My day

     Today hasn’t been terrible. It’s been tiring but it hasn’t been terrible. First lesson biology with Mrs C. It wasn’t very interesting in that it was photosynthesis…again. WHY do we do it every year and just add a little bit of knowledge? we should just have a whole year of photosynthesis in like year 9 or something and get it out the way. But we have a trip next week so we were discussing that. I had to own up to being a veggie lol.
     Second lesson was when I was meant to have maths but I decided not to do it this year. So I was going to spend the time doing some work on my psychology coursework. me and Zoe headed to one of the psychology mobiles to get a text book and my maths class had had a room change into that room. My teacher saw me and was like "OI" and gave me a little lecture and made me stay for the class so that I could sit down and discuss my options with him as he was having a 5 minute individual chat with each person. I refused to sit there while I knew full well that Josh was sitting in the common room. He got exactly the same mark as me and was in the same position as me so i went and got him and dragged him there lol. Me and Josh had our personal talk together coz we’re good mates and we were kinda helping eachother make the decision of what to drop etc. Mr O said I had obviously not worked through the year and I should’ve done a lot better. I only got an A in GCSE though. Got that sounded stuck up. Don’t get me wrong…A…woop! but it’s not like it was an A* showing that I’m fantabulous. But he said that I hadn’t struggled with the work I just hadn’t done it. lol, I thought that was pretty accurate. He said I was better at maths than Josh and that he may have struggled a little more than me. woop woop. hehe. Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m not being mean. Josh is like maths genius. He’s so quick at mental arithmetic. He went to the posh areas school and I went to the council estate and rough areas school so we weren’t really expected to do well and so weren’t taught mental arithmetic and stuff like that. I still don’t know my times tables. Not at all. I have to work them out everytime lol. So yeah, I spent second lesson in maths.
     Third lesson was physics with Mr A. It was a laugh. I listened all lesson and made loadsa notes and actually understood. It’s all a new concept to me….learning in school. weird. It wont last. Just doing crappy electrostatics. Boring but we get to play with the Van der Graaff thingmabob. *giggles* 
     After the lesson I asked Mr F if I could have a talk with him (my other physics teacher). I started talking about options and I said that I just wanted his opinion on something. He said "I think you should do physics" and i was like "I wasn’t…" and he interrupted me and was like "No, you should do phsyics" and I was like "let me speak. I wasn’t going to ask you that! I just thought you knew me best  out of all my teachers so I wondered if you thought I was capable of doing 4 this year instead of dropping one" and he was like "oh…" lol. So then we carried on talking and again came all the’you didn’t work last year’  ‘you’re capable of so much more than you acheived’ blah blah blah. And then he was like "I can tell you had a rough time over the past year, I’ve been so worried about you since just before easter. You lost your sparkle. You need to get the curiosity for learning back that you had before." I got tears in my eyes for some reason. I guess I realised that maybe some people do notice when I’m having a rough time. He’s told me that he’s worried about me so many times but this time it was a little different for some reason. Then he kinda squinted at me and was like "You don’t talk to me anymore. You can do you know. It’s what I’m here for. Talk to me." and I was like OMG. lol I didn’t cry though. Thank God. I just changed th subject back to talking about physics and then escaped. Man, I don’t know.

     I haven’t written about it in here but I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot recently. Jason made me promise that I would tell him if i was thinking about it. He knows I am incapable of reaking promises. He’s…I dunno. I know he cares about me. I just…I don’t even know what to say. My friend Ella who my last entry was about has been diagnosed with depression. And she’s just so down and I’m so worried. But the few people that know about it have spoken and everyone cares so much. When I see her and casually ask her if she’s alright I know that she knows I care and I feel so unhappy just because I know how she’s feeling. It just made me think…maybe when I’m feeling down and my friends ask if I’m OK…maybe they do care the way I do about Smella. Maybe. I hope so. I don’t know…

-Lauren x