Dear Diary

Man, I’ve never written that in here. Or I don’t think I have anyway. You know, sometimes I imagine my diary as a person. It’s a girl of about 16 with a brown bob. She wears a pink cardigan with a white camisole underneath, jeans and white trainers. I imagine that I’m writing to her. She’s not going to give me a response and I guess I don’t really want her to. I just want to feel like there is someone listening. Is that weird? Not the listening thing…the imagining thing. And is it weird I’m so detailed? I think I use my imagination too much. Most days of my life are filled with me imagining that people are near me. Very often I have conversations in my head with friends who are near me. I have arguments a lot. Hardly ever about anything. I just like to imagine myself shouting at someone. Swearing. Telling them to leave me alone. It’s not even people I’m angry at in real life.Just people. I often speak inside my head in a foreign language. lol, foreign. No, made us. Just jibberish. It’s all in my head don’t worry. I don’t make myself look like a complete idiot and talk outloud. I know I’m crazy but I’m not crazy enough to make myself look it. I’ve never really said that I do this to anyone. I’m not even speaking to that girl with the bob. I’m just speaking. Sometimes with my entries I speak to people who are gonna note. Sometimes I speak to her. But this time, I’m just speaking.

I went to see my grandad in hospital today. He looks bad. *sighs* They let him out of hospital too soon. I haven’t cried about it yet. I don’t really know how to. I mean, I know he’s ill. It’s no shock. But when I saw him today I…my god. Apparently he looks a lot better than he did. So I’m glad I was at work yesterday and didn’t go to the hospital. I feel quite lost with all this. I’m scared. And I feel like I have noone to talk to. Jason always asks how my grandad is and I’m so grateful for that. I know he cares so much. And I can talk to him when I’m with him. He can’t comfort me with words so it’s dificult on MSN but when I’m with him it’s ok. The only problem is, I’m hardly ever with him. And…I used to talk to Henry. But, I don’t now. I can’t. He’s..preoccupied. I know I’m being selfish and I know I have no right to. I just wish he would talk to me more. He was my best friend and he doesn’t even seem to care anymore. But, I wouldn’t change it. No matter how much I miss him. No matter how much it hurts to think that he’s stopped being there for me (and I know he hasn’t done it on purpose). I want him to be happy. And even though it’s making me feel so alone and so scared I would much prefer him to be with Michelle.

I’m gonna shut up now. I’m just moaning.

Love Lauren xx

[Rage].

August 12, 2005

hey, i hope ur grandpa feels better, mine is sick too, and i know its kinda hard to cry sometimes, im havin that nowww, and yeah last time i saw him it was like…a shock…tired and skinny..it’s really sad, and its cool to see ur diary as a person, hehe, good luck! Tc

I always think of my diary as being a persont that I chat with. It’s weird, but yeah. Then sometimes I just see it as a place to put things, so it’s kind of a form of memory retainer too. As far as your grandfather goes, you’ll feel what you need to in time. Everyone copes with things differently.

I know when I found out mine was going to die I cried every time I thought of it, now I’ve just accepted that he’d be better off. I’m just going to take what I’ve learned and shared with him and carry it on, rather than just be saddened. Hopefully you can find your own way to deal with your grandfather being sick too in a positive way. Ttfn ♥

TobiasDawson

August 17, 2005

If you’re crazy, I am. I talk to people in my head; not in gibberish, but I have been known to speak gibberish to other people, unintentionally and intentionally. It’s the closest friends that can understand me at those times. And my imagination is just as keen. I can picture something, and actually feel it in my hand if I want. Kinda scary… With an imagined iguana,