Dear Jason

Dear Jason
I know you’re never going to read this because you don’t know where my diary is. But I guess these are the things I need to say to you that I can’t. Or the things I’ve said to you but you don’t understand…or haven’t listened to. I don’t know. I guess it’s just a ramble to make myself feel a tad better.
My god, my heart is pounding. Everytime we go to speak, myheart beats so quickly that it starts to ache. Or perhaps it’s aching all along, I just don’t realise it until I have to speak to you. I don’t even know where to start. You mean so somuch to me. I want to say I love you. But, I don’t know. I don’t think I believe in love. We’ve had this conversation before. I don’t know what it is  that I feel for you but whatever it is, it’s more than I’ve felt for anyone before. And it hurts. It hurt when I was with you. And it hurts a million times more now that I’m not. My god, I miss you. You are the sweetest, kindest, most genuinely nice person I have ever had the pleasure of being close to. I know you care about me. And I love that. I know I mean something to you. And I know you that you mean exactly the same to me. You don’t know how much that means. Even with Henry I have doubts as to whether I mean to him what he does to me. I feel like that with everyone. But not you. And I don’t know why. You care. *sigh* and that’s why this is necessary. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know that me breaking up with you because you care sounds like a load of bullshit but…it’s the right thing to do.
I made  thedecision a long time ago that I wanted to end my life. I don’t agree with people who just do it and leave everyone in the lurch. I think that’s selfish. And I know I’m still being selfish but…hopefully not as selfish. I don’t know. Maybe I am. I need to break up with you and stop talking to you. I need to give you some distance from me. You say you’re not going to get over me. You say you’re not going to forget about me. But, you will. Atleast a bit. If we haven’t talked in a while, the hurt of not being together will fade. You will move on and probably find someone else to ‘love’. (my god, that hurts to realise that) and it will be so much easier. Yes, it will be easier for me. There have been countless times over the past 6 months that i’ve just wanted to get it over with but you came to mind. you and my henry. I couldn’t do it. because i knew it would hurt you. those other times i’ve tried nothing made me hesitate other than fear…so i stopped half way through. The times I’ve wanted to recently I couldn’t even begin. Because for once, I know i would be hurting someone. But, I made the decision. I have to go through with it. So that means distancing myself from you and henry. I don’t know if this makes any sense toyou whatsoever. I think through the conversations we’ve had you understand where i’m coming from but you don’t accept it as a reason.  *shrugs slightly*

you keep asking me to meet up with you. you want to talk things over.you keep twisting my arm until i agree. but i have to keep changing my mind. i have to stick to my guns. i cant meet up with you. i know if i do, i will just want to fall into your arms and ask you to look after me. i just want you to make everything ok and be mine forever. but it would be taking a step backwards.whenever i’m with you, everything is so wonderful. you make me so happy and make me feel so secure but on that 45 minute ride home or when i go back to my room after seeing you off, i feel so alone. i have to go back to reality. i have to face whatever i;ve been hiding from under your wing. and that makes it hurt all the more. i can’t see you. i know if i do i wil change my mind about everything. i cant do that. i cant take a step backwards. ive finally got the courage to geteverything started. i cant go back on that. i just cant. 

i had so much to say before i started typing this. but im stuck. im so stuck. how do i explain myself? what else can i say to convince you this is the right thing to do? what else can i say to convince myself?

i miss you Jim. I miss you so much it physically hurts. Please don’t hate me. I love you.

All my love, hugs and kisses
Your Lolla xxx