Jason and gdad Bob

I hate what’s going on at the moment. It’s so horrible. People think I’m being a bitch and messing Jason around and yeah, maybe I am but this is the best way for things to happen. People ask me how I am and I have to say fine. But, that’s not what I mean in the slightest. I don’t know if I love Jason. I don’t believe I’m mature enough to know that. And I’m not entirely sure that I believe it exists but…I sure as hell don’t like being without him.  *sighs* But, I’m doing the right thing. I was feeling kinda all over the place last night so I got my old tarot cards out. I don’t really believe in them I don’t think but you know how you read your horoscope and you twist it in your head so that it can apply to your life? Well, that’s how I am wiith my tarot cards. Basically they said that there’s a problem going on and my relationships are going to struggle but that I have to stick to my guns, do something for myself for once. The ‘ponder this’ section (I do my readings in 4 sections) said that I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. So…that’s what I’m going to do. I made a decision (albeit when I was druken and disorderly and after promting from other drunken friends) but I have to stick to it. Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do no matter how much it hurts. *sigh* but I do miss him so much. He bugs me everyday to meet up with him just once so we could talk…or he could talk and I could listen. He says he has a lot he needs to say to me. We spent the other night up on MSN talking until about 4.20am or something around that. It was fun. At first we were…arguing? no…disagreeing. But then it felt like old times. We were chatting about a very funny very personal topic which had me in stitches and him getting embarrassed but in a funny way and it was great. It’s the first time in the past week  that I haven’t gone to bed crying. lol,but you know me…I think too much (as Jason says) and I upset myself after about 10 minutes of being in bed.

I think I write about him too much. If I’m gonna get over him, I need to shut the fuck up…right? OK. Next topic.

My grandad. Bless him. Monday he went into hospital. Tuesday he had the reversal to get rid of his colostomy bag (what’s left from his bowel cancer…minus the bowel cancer cells in his liver) and today he comes home. How great is that? He’s recovered really well even if he hs been living on clear soup jelly and icecream. But, icecream is his favourite food and he has one everyday throughout the year so he hasnt been complaining too much hehe. The nurses find him hilarious. He kept shouting when they called him Mr Brown and insisted they call him Bob. So they wrote on his board behind his bed "Bob" lol. well, I could run on but, basically he’s allowed to go home tonight. My mum is going to pick him up tonight. So….that’s good *smiles*

lol, I do have more to talk about but my mind is drifting back to Jason so I think I’ll not bother writing about the other stuff and go sit on my tod in my room (i’ve been on my tod all day at work too…I ate my tea on my tod and I’m now on the laptop on my tod…man I’m a loner) and wallow in my self pity over my self-inflicted shitness.

-Lauren xx