Jason
I broke up with Jason last night. I hadn’t planned to. It was stupid.I regret doing it so so much. I think it was the right thing to happen but I hate myself for the way that it happened.I was so drunk. I had been talking about ‘boy problems’ with two friends at this party we were at and for once I actually told people how i REALLY feel about being with Jason. I like him. He’s a nice lad. He looks after me. But I don’t see us going anywhere. Now, I’m all for the ‘you’re young, it doesn’t matter, have fun’ thing…but after spending my life from just before age 13 to just before my 17th bday in one serious relationship, I just want to have the chance to have my own bit of fun away from being stuck with one person, having to answer to one person, feeling obliged to meet up with that one person. Perfect solution…me and Jason should see each other. But I would never do that to him. I’m just being selfish.I want to be with him and be able to go out and flirt when I’m drunk. God, do I sound like a slag? I’m not like that. I just hate the whole ‘can i have your number?’ ‘I have a boyfriend’ thingor the ‘you wanna dance?’ ‘well i will if you want but just remember i have a boyfriend’ when they start trying it on. I want to be able to dance and have fun without feeling guilty. I wanna be able to say ‘yeah i’ll dance with you’ and go and have fun. Man that makes me sound like a slag. I don’t get on people even when I am single lol (well I didn’t in the like 5 months of my teenage life so far that i’ve been single) Man, working that out is…I really regret staying in the same relationship for 4 years. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun being with Charlie. But I’m just repeating the whole Charlie thing with Jason. That’s what I’ve realised. I’m just doing teh whole thing again. He’s a sweet caring shy guy (just like Charlie was). He cares about me and accepts me for who I am (like Charlie did). I like him and I do feel there is something special between us but I’m just not sure if I like him enough (just like with Charlie). I bring all that I’ve said so far up with Jason, we have a little tiff and then it goes back to normal without anything being solved…just ignored (just…like…with…Charlie…) I can’t do it anymore. Yeah I’m being selfish. Yeah I’m being a complete bitch. I know I am. And I’m not proud of it. I hate myself for it. This morning I almost cried. I would have let myself if I was at home but I was asleep in Zoe’s living room with her dad coming in to watch TV. Texting Jason this morning was NOT a pleasant experience. But, I deserve to feel this bad. I have been a bitch to him. (although a small part of me thinks…surely it’s better for him not to be with me if I’m having second thoughts all the time. but then I think…am I just telling myself that so I don’t have to face up to how horrible I’m being). I wouldn’t feel so terrible if I had a real reason. I know this isn’t a real reason. It’s a pathetic excuse. But…it’s how I feel. Man, that’s cheesy. I dunno. I had so much more in my head that i’ve been thinking about all day. All of a sudden though…I just don’t know what to type. I don’t want to read this back to myself.
He said in a text today "you just seem to want everything. I don’t get you. I’m so confused" and he’s right. That’s been the problem all along. I want to be single and be able to have fun. But I like Jason. And I like that he makes me feel secure. I like that although I know I’m a messed up bitch…he doesn’t mind. I know he’ll put up with me. This is the first time he has been angry with me. The first time he’s hung up on me. The first time I have been upset because of what he says to me. But I’m glad. He doesn’t fight back and I’m glad he’s stood up for himsself…no matter how much that hurts me. One of the first messages pissed me off though. He said that I must’ve gone to the party with Zoe and got on someone and that’s why I wanted to end it. Which made me feel like he thinks I’m a bit of a slag. Ok I did overreact to that a bit but I was drunk and it really wasn’t a very nice thing to say. In fact, I was quite insulted that he could think i would do that and assumed that was the case. Then he said "I cant believe you. I’ve been nice to you and really good to you even after you’ve told me a lot of stuff". I did not over react when it come to that. OK, I have problems. And I do ask a lot in the shape of support from him I guess. But it’s like..I have all these faults and he’s like "I guess she’ll do anyway" or…it’s like…I couldn’t do it without him. I know this is the stubborn part of me (which I know is very large) but I like to think I stand on my own two feet when it comes to all the difficulties I cause for myself (not belittling my good friends efforts…or his) I am very independent ( or I llike to think I am) so as well as making me feel like faulty goods that someone will accept anyway and implying that he’s done so much for me how could I not be grateful to him…he’s attempted to stamp down the confidence I have in myself when I need it most. blah, listen to me and my self pity. This isn’t about me at all.
My god, I’ve just realised what a bitch I really am.
-Lauren