Charlie/Apple

yesterday wasn’t a terrible day. Until the end. *ignores rest of day* had physics last but i had forgotten my phone. I asked my exboyfriend Charlie…or Apple…if i could borrow his phone to ring my mum to get her to come pick me up. he said no because has to drive passed my house to get home so he may as well give me a lift. I saidthat it ws fine, if i could just borrow his phone i could get my mum to come. But, no. He’s forced me to get a lift. he was also giving Twin Dave a lift too. Now, to start with this pissed me off. He knows that i don’t want my friends to drive. He knows that I’m scared when my friends are driving because they’ll get hurt like my cousin who was killed. I did not want to get into that car. I know it’s stupid, it’s like a 5 – 10 minute drive. But, i just didn;t want to. I would’ve walked but he wouldnt let me. Now, walking to the car, i was petrified. I was biting my nails and shaking, i kept telling myself to stop being so stupid but it just felt so horrible.

So, we got in the car, Dave in front seat, me in back. And off we went. Didn’t help that people have been saying that Charlie’s not a great driver (which i expected him not to be coz he doesn’t have much coordination) and that i know how clumsy he is.  So i sat in the back, hugging my bag in the hope that someone when we ended up in a head on collision, it would protect me. We were driving along. Dave and Charlie were mucking around with the music and dacing around. Then Charlie (yes, the guy who was with me when she got killed in a car crash at 18 and knows how upset i still am and who knows taht i do not want to drive or any of my friends to drive) smirked at me and said “see, you’re alright with me driving” in a really sarcastic way. I felt like smacking him. I couldnt help but start crying. I don’t think dave noticed and i know Charlie wouldntve coz he’s so fucking insensitive. I got out of the car when he pulled up outside my house and slammed the door. I’m just so pissed off with him.

Walked into my house and my mum asked if i was ok. I said yes, went to my room. then she kept coming in to check on me saying “you just look so sad”. i don’t really know why i cried so much. i guess it was part fear of him still driving, part relief of not havign to be in the car anymore, part him not recognising i was upset, part being SO angry (like i’ve had to be so often with him) that he just doesn’t realise that sometimes things upset people and just  because he’s always had this perfect homelife where noone has died, he’s rich, his parents are interested in his school work, the whole family gets on blah blah blah, it doesn’t mean everyone is the same. It’s not that I’m jealous of him. i wouldn’t swop my life for anything. It’s just, he’s been so wrapped in cotton wool, he just doesnt nkow how to be tactful, or sensitive, or…more emotionally mature than a fucking 5 year old. That annoys me so so much about him.

He KNOWS how upset Sarah’s death got me. He KNOWS i still haven’t gotten over it. He KNOWS how i feel about cars and driving. And yet, he can force me into a car, muck around while in the car and then make a comment to make me feel stupid about worrying about him? why the hell should i still count him a friend. Its as if we didn’t go out for 5 years. Or it’s as if for those 5 years, he completely ignored everything i ever said to him. He doesn’t and never has known me at all. I hate him. i hate him.

*decides not to finish entry*