Am i crazy?

I’ve been thinking tonight. I’m curious about what my close friends really think of me. I know I’m a lucky person. I know I don’t have a bad life. I know my life could be a million times worse and that I should be greatful for what i have…and I am…very grateful. but, I make so many problems for myself. I know i do it. The question that came into my head was “do they think im crazy for cutting?”  I mean, I cut so when someone tells me that they do, it’s not a big deal. erm…well, obviously it is *tries to think of more appropriate wording* I can understand when people tell me so I don’t have to really question to struggle to understand their reasoning behind it. But, as I’ve become more understanding of my own problem with it, I’ve realised how difficult it must be to non-SIers to fathom why someone would ‘do that to themselves’. Talking to 3 people on MSN. One of my very very close friends Ashley, Henry and my boyfriend Jason. All of whom know i cut. But none of whom cut themselves. *has a little side thought* i know i am closer to my male friends but it’s so weird that i’ve only ever told males. other than the people who i am a listener with (our school councillor group…we have our own councilling sessions between us councillor…”after all, if you can’t talk about your own problems why do you expect others to open up to you?”) I’ve not told any of my female friends. anyway. back on topic *reads back* yeah, talking to those 3 people. and all i want to say is “do you think I’m crazy?” but, i know i can’t. and even though i know Henry and Ashley are gonna read this, I just can’t say it to them. But, I wanna know. I do worry about what people think of me but thats not the whole reason why i wanna know. I’m just trying to understand what it’s like to be on the receiving end of my moans. urgh. i dunno. there’s not much point in this entry (don’t worry Henry n Ash, i don’t expect to be told, I’m just rambling)

-Lauren xx