The waiting game…

 When it comes to regaining one’s health, I believe a lesson is learned in the exercise of patience.  I’m normally a fairly patient person but it’s been two years and I’m still waiting.  My patience has run out.

I visited my doctor last week.  It was a follow up appointment from a minor car accident my daughter and I were the victims of.  I only suffered some slight muscle strain in my neck and back and was feeling fine by the time I saw the doctor, but, I used to opportunity to question him about my situation. 

According  to a second series of blood tests that were run, I don’t have hypothyroidism.  Thank goodness.  But when asked why I still feel so lousey, I was told it was probably a combination of a vitamin D deficiency that doesn’t seem to want to resolve itself, and poor blood flow in my legs.  My primary doctor still wants me to have the leg surgery but wants to see the results of the EMG.

I was shocked.  I asked, "You never received the results?  That was six months ago!   I personally signed a release form that should have been faxed to you days after the results came in." 

He said they never received anything.  Told me to contact the vascular surgeon.  When I called the surgeon’s office, they said that my file was closed and any test results they may have received were probably archived.  Basically, the way I see it, this idiot vascular doctor has decided he just doesn’t want to do the surgery. The excuse he gave me back in December was that he "believes" there’s more going on with my legs than just the reflux and he doesn’t see any reason why he should take the risk of doing more damage than good.  But what excuse does he give my primary doctor?  "He wants to wait until I get my diabetes under control." 

If that’s the case, why the hell is he telling me something different??  I think the guy is just scared of a possible law suite if I’m not feeling "perfect" after the surgery.  What an idiot! 

So, after being given the usual run-around on the phone for about an hour yesterday, I was finally put in contact with the proper records department and I requested another release form to be sent to me.  In fact, I requested TWO forms; one for the surgeon and one for my primary doctor. 

If after all of this, if the surgeon still gives excuses, I’m going to request a second opinion from a different vascular doctor. 

This should have been done months ago.  I’m so sick and tired of waiting to get better.  I want my mobility back. 

Hubby continues to get weaker with every passing year.  His latest MRI showed no new lessions in the brain – which the Neurologist describes as being in "remission", but it’s hardly what I’d call much of an encourgement when I see him getting weaker and his balance worsening.  

Hubby decided to cancel the appointment for the disability assessment last month.  His reasons are that he’s in no big hurry to apply for disability when he knows he’s just going to get turned down, anyhow.  We can’t afford for him to cut his hours back enough to improve his odds of being accepted and possibly losing our home in the process.  I still think he should do it, even if he does get turned down.  At least this way, when he’s finally approved, they’ll back-date any income he’s eligible for to the time of his application.  

I think it’s mostly fear that keeps him going.  He’s afraid that once he goes on complete disability, he’ll just waste away to nothing.  He can’t think of enough things to keep him moving when he doesn’t have a job to get up and go to every day.  Although I don’t agree with him, this is a struggle he has to come to terms with on his own and I can only support him in his decisions.  I see his point of view, too, and can’t really blame him for thinking that way.  It’s definitley harder for him to get around here at home than it is at work, unfortunately. 

This is what motivates me so much to get well – and why it’s been so frustrating for me to have to wait so long.  As long as my mobility has been an issue, it’s been extremely difficult to keep this house in proper order.  There’s tons of yard work that needs to be done and more organization in the house.  And then there’s the issue of income.  The prospects of going back to school still scare the hell out of me and I’m still not certain of how I’ll juggle that and Wesley’s homeschooling, but, if going back to school can earn me a good career in something that offers a good income, I have to do it. 

What scares me is:  What if, after two years of college, the career I finally land isn’t enough?  Since his illness, we’ve had to depend heavily on Medicaid to cover our medical expenses and on food stamps to keep food in the house.  I would need to make enough money to afford to lose all that.  Just having to pay medical deductables can ruin us if I don’t do this right. 

In spite of this fear, though, I still have to do it.  I don’t see any other way around it. 

Please keep us in your prayers.  I haven’t lost hope, yet.