Steppin’ Out

Everything right now is colored in shades of Ryan. When I pick out clothes and when I do my hair; when I go to sleep and when I wake up; when I’m listening to music or when I’m sitting quietly; when I’m talking to friend or when I’m alone; when I’m eating or when I’m skipping a meal; when I’m home or when I’m anywhere else, all the undertones are warm and fuzzy and all the lines seem crisp and sharper.
I don’t know when it started happening and I don’t know when I started accepting it, but I’m pretty okay with it. It’s strange, to like someone and know they like me back, but it’s a good strange. It’s a change I can deal with.

Showtime was last night. It was kind of amazing. The transitions were interesting, but the silhuettes were kind of the best thing 3var. I could recognize people by their shapes and that was pretty cool.
Kelly’s hair is short and I love it.
Ryan was like, “I’m afraid to hold your hand; are you sure your mom won’t shank me?” I assured him that if anyone got in trouble, it would be me. Later, mom said, “This isn’t working well for me” and looked like she had been crying and I don’t know what she was talking about. Me and Ryan? Me and having a boyfriend period? My brother and his 8-years-older girlfriend?
Being faced with us being happy and realizing that she and dad don’t know how to live together, that when I go to college they’re going to have to learn to do it all over again and that they might not make it?
I don’t know and I want to, but I’m not sure I want to have the conversation it would take to find out.

Prom tonight. I’m going with a childhood friend because neither of us had dates (Ryan has Showtime again tonight, le sad face). I’m wearing red and this dress makes me feel pretty beautiful.
We’re having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by candlelight. We’ll drink milk from champagne glasses and then I’m driving because his parents won’t let him drive their car.

New layout for the first time in over a year, I think. I kind of need a new name (becauseiamnotbrokenanymore) but I don’t know when one will hit me. Just throwing that information out there.

Have a lovely day.

What a beautiful mess.