Vent
Ugh. I said i didn’t need to write about this, but apparently I do. You know about my mother. And her drinking, and general fuckupness. You know that I am past what I went through as a kid. But this? This has been awful.
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This is a ramble fest. Thanks for reading
Ok, back story—my mother was a drunk while I was young. Beer from morning til night—until I was about 15 or 16 and then she got clean, got a job, and lived happily ever after until her mother died in 2005. Then she had a horrible relapse was drunk 24/7 ending in an episode in late 2008 where she passed out and hit her head, had a mini-stroke and eventually quit her job and once again got clean. At this point, I had her watching Hannah to give her something to do, and to sort of give her purpose. The sun rises and falls with Grandma in Hannah’s eyes because of this. They have a special bond.
Then I started working from home, and The 45 minute drive to my mother’s house was not feasible. She doesn’t drive, so she couldn’t come here. So she started spending days alone in the house while my dad worked. Started drinking again apparently, but did a good job of hiding it. She started having 1 or 2 at a party when I was around. Then she started bringing her own beer to my house. A few weeks ago when they came here, she popped a cough drop in her mouth before they came in, but she still stunk of booze.
Anyway, we had a school dinner 2 weeks ago, and I asked them if they would come and watch the kids. She was fine when they got here. Coherent. Did not reek of alcohol. Normal. When I got home at 10, she was shit faced. On my porch smoking, and not at all coherent. She looked EXACTLY the way she looked when I was a kid and I would come home from school to find her slumped at the table. I came inside and made small talk with my dad. I watched her take my front steps one at a time and I watched my dad buckle her in to the car.
Then Eddie told me about her throwing up. So I told Ed all of this when he got home. Told him that I was done. Couldn’t do it anymore and made plans to call my dad the next day.
Cait work up hysterical in the morning because my mom had painted her nails, and she had nail polish smeared all over her hands. Grandma did a bad job. Also, grandma was having a hard time walking, so Cait had to go downstairs to get her a pepsi. It was her allergies.
My dad has no answers. He’s provided her booze anytime she’s asked for it. She drinks all day long until she passes out. All he knows is that when he came back from getting pizza, she was shitfaced. She insisted to him that she didn’t drink anything, even as she threw up on my living room floor. I told him that I would be calling her, and that this would never happen again. That until she got herself cleaned up, she would not see me or my kids.
So I called her. Twice. And texted. Finally after telling me her phone was jacked up she called me. Said she was a drunk. Said she was weak. She couldn’t control herself. So I asked her what she drank here last night and she told me point blank that as soon as my dad left, she took some shots of my cherry vodka. This is when I lost it. So, you CHOSE to get plastered while you were home alone with my 2 youngest children? You made that choice? The alcohol was that important to you? I didn’t know I had to lock up my liquor. And then I asked her why my kids and I are not good enough for her to want to be in the present and not be wasted all the time. You know? Just why? It hurts. And she said “I don’t choose the alcohol, Sara. It chooses me.” She told me she had a dr. appointment coming up in July to talk about issues with her doctor, that she has a lot of thinking to do before then. I asked her what was her plan in the interim and she said she’ll keep doing what she’s doing. And I asked her if she acknowledges that means she will not see us or the kids, and s
he said yes that is her decision. Then she said she couldn’t talk anymore and we hung up.
Then the texts started. So you called your father? Your brother knows?? You talked to your god mother? She told me I have now taken everyone she loves away from her. She will no longer be a bother to any of us. We don’t have to worry about it anymore. Next text- I’ve lost my husband, my kids, my grandbabies, and my best friend (godmother) all in one day. I told her to stop feeling sorry for herself. None of us would say anything if we didn’t care.
She’s not in a place to listen to me right now, and I get it. But I refuse to let my kids have even a small glimpse of what I went through as a kid, you know? And after hashing this out all day long, the more I think about it, I am at peace with her making whatever decision she’s going to make. Now that she knows that it’s her choice and she knows that I know? I just feel like I should let whatever happens happen, and be done with it. I don’t know though. It all sucks.
Since this all went down, I haven’t heard a word from her or my father. Cait has continued to remember things that happened that night, and I continue to be angrier than I have ever been in my entire life. Yesterday, my godmother told me that she said she’s stopped drinking. She told me that I should call her. Tell her about my promotion to VP. Cheer her up.
I just don’t feel like I’m in a place to do that. I personally can not deal with her. I cannot have my kids around her. I don’t want to talk to her until she for sure has her shit together.
And while I don’t necessarily feel like I am wrong, I do sort of feel guilty because I know that alcoholism IS a disease. And maybe i should have said something sooner. Maybe this was her way of reaching out for help. My dad has no backbone, he does whatever she wants. Is it wrong for me to think that maybe this was her cry for help?
Even if it was, i can’t get past the fact that it involved my kids. MY KIDS!
My kids.