no meaning

this is an abbreviated version of a story I will write in detail later.

after many years I tell my best friend that I feel more for him that just friendly feelings.

we acknowledge longstanding mutual attraction and we sleep together.

next morning he searches me with questions and  acknowledges me as "central figure in his life", "most intimate of friends".

many years, many partners, many miles, many heartbreaks later I find bliss completion, dreams come true.

i take long drive road journey.

he texts to say that i owe him breakfast, that we are solid, we are good, to call him.

we set up breakfast next weekend. he says, dont run away from me. we just need to spend some time together to decide what we should do next.

we lie in bed all day talking and at the END OF THE DAY he says, this would be easy if we were just friends falling into bed but that he knows that I have hopes attached.

hopes?

hopes?

he has hopes as well, for the girl that left him unannounced in a shroud of deceit in January, to live in another country.

he is confused. he doesn’t think he should sleep with me.

I think… we have lied in bed together all day kissing, talking  and touching, is that not more intimate than fucking?

I say, I have laid everything on the line. Over ten years of hopes my friend. Hopes raised and then slashed.

He says don’t run away but I would understand if you wanted to for a while at least. I say, Im not going anywhere. The power is with you. You need to decide what you want. If you don’t know, leave now because it is too hurtful and confusing for me.

He cried, he apologised, I asked him to leave again, not with bitterness, just go, please.

He left.

Weeping and sorrow and lamentation. Job’s daughter.

The next day I was due to take out my little brother (my volunteer mentorship). Lenny and I go to the zoo at Taronga Park. Lenny is 10 and he saved my life. He had a crap week at school, 3 notes sent home, bullied.

Little did he know I had lied in bed all night visualising over and over cutting my throat to end the meaninglessness of this life.

3 days in bed, did not go to work. was not there to receive my award for employee of the quarter. missed my moment of glory in corporate siberia.

My fuck friend came back from Germany today. After many contacts telling me how much he wanted to fuck me, we fucked this morning and again this afternoon when I finished work. I told him my story and he stroked my head in a way that told me, shut up with the crying, I have already come and my patience and interest are spent.

I bought him dinner and I said, please stay, come up to bed soon, he said, maybe. An hour later, he left and did not bother to come and say goodbye, just slipped out. I felt like a fucking whore who didn’t get paid for her servicing.

I sent a text saying, I hope you enjoyed the dinner, I really am a fucking idiot aren’t I?

I really don’t know what the fucking meaning is in this life. All my work friends said to me when I came back to work after dragging myself out of bed, soggy eyed, how was your weekend with your man, are you feeling better with your flu?

 Faking dignity is tough.

I tell one mutual friend, of my unrequited love, and she says, you couldn’t meet a better person than you blue. You care for your team, you care for your family, you care for your friends, you care for society, I don’t know why he has done this. You are such a beautiful person.

I feel so worthless.

I have lived the past 3 years as a virtual recluse from the world so that I don’t get hurt. My attempts to reconnect with people, to live an authentic life, one that is not lonely makes me feel smaller than the mustard seed of hope.

I am losing it. I am losing my grip. My dad called and said, don’t let things slip now, not everything you have worked so hard for (translation – you are my main source of income, if you fall over, how will I survive).

So many people need me.

I need somebody and I don’t know who to turn to.