MY 3 KIDS!

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Current Mood: Eh
Today’s Plans: Nothing
My Favorite Quote:
”I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~Marilyn Monroe

When I was 17 years old I was living with a woman named Dorothy… I was her live in babysitter… She was a dear friend of Helen’s and I had gone to stay with her to get away from my ex Brett and the pain of our break-up… While I was living there Dorothy had the bright idea to introduce me to Jay… Jay was 15 years old… He was the Step-Son of a man named Lonnie… A married man Dorothy was having an affair with… Only neither Jay nor I knew about it right away… Turns out they had hoped me and Jay would get together so they would have an excuse to be around each other without it seeming suspicious… I was recovering from a bad break-up and Jay was so sweet and so very different from Brett…

Back then I thought I loved Jay but now I know I never did… He was basically just the rebound guy I was with to get over Brett… Well things went bad when I found out about Lonnie and Dorothy having an affair… I refused to be a part of it… Of course I told Jay about it to which Dorothy kicked me out… Jay then went to his Mother Judy who agreed to let me live with them… I figured I would be camping on the couch in the living room so that they could keep an eye on me cause I was afterall their 15 year old son’s girlfriend…

Nope they moved me into Jay’s room… Totally shocking… About 2 months after moving in with Jay I found out I was pregnant… I was terrified cause I was only 17 years old… I told Jay thinking he would run for the hills being as young as he was although in reality 2 years younger isn’t a bad thing but the different between 17 and 15 seemed like ages apart… Especially to be having a kid… Jay didn’t run… We stayed together and continued being this grown up couple… A responsibility way beyond either of our years… When I was 4 months pregnant I found out Jay had been cheating on me the entire time with this girl named Natasha… A girl who up until that time I thought was a friend…

When I found that out I moved out of Jay’s house and went to stayed with his Father and Step-Mother until I could secure a more permanent place to live for me and my baby…

I ended up going to a Homeless Shelter Program that was offered for teenage mothers to help them get on their feet… I never spoke to Jay again until the birth of his son… My oldest Damien… While there I had met Dung who is now my ex-husband… Dung and I had been broken up for a month when I decided it was time for Jay to meet his son… Damien was about 6 weeks old when I took him to meet his Dad… I have no idea what I was thinking but I ended up sleeping with Jay again that night…

After that night I didn’t see Jay again for 2 years… Dung and I had gotten back together about a month after the evening I slept with Jay… One day when Damien was 3 months old I had gotten Mono from a guy I was working with at Burger King… Turns out he had it and we shared a Coke during lunch… I had gone to Rockford Clinic to have me and my son tested for it cause I knew it was deadly to an infant… I had it but Damien did not… So I went home and called my Aunt Becky… She helped me out anytime I needed help with my son… I asked her if she could take Damien until I recovered from the Mono cause it was highly contagious and I didn’t want him getting it… She agreed and came to get him that afternoon… What I didn’t know at the time was that was the last time I would have my son…

A week and a half later my Aunt Becky tracked me down screaming at me saying I was a neglectful Mother cause I didn’t get my son tested for Mono… When I did infact have him tested… I asked her what the hell she was talking about… She said she called to find out if I had Damien tested cause he had a cough… They clinic said I was the only one tested when I know for a fact that is not true cause we were tested together…

She took Damien to be tested again and he did not have Mono just like I said he wouldn’t… My Aunt however called Child Services saying I was neglecting my son… They in return started a full on investigation… I fought the charges only to lose… To this day I still think the only reason I lost was because I was living in a Homeless Program while my Aunt had a wealthy husband

living in a comfortable home… More then capable of providing my son with a more comfortable life then I could…

About 2 weeks after I lost my son I found out I was pregnant again… I was still fighting the case and fighting for visitation of my son clear up til I was 6 months pregnant with my Daughter… At which time Child Services and my Aunt’s attorney came to me with a deal… If I agreed to allow my Aunt to adopt my son they would not investigate my Daughter when she was born… If I choose to continue to fight however I would face losing both of my kids… So basically they were forcing me to decide between my kids… My Aunt had a high paid lawyer where I had nothing I knew my chances of actually winning were not likely… So even though it was the hardest thing I ever did I signed away my rights to my son allowing my Aunt to adopt him… Jay signed away his rights as well apparently… My Aunt agreed I would be allowed to see my Son as much as I wanted to and that he would grow to know I am his Biological Mother… A promise she didn’t keep… Now the only time I see my Son is on Christmas if I am lucky and he has no idea who I am… I don’t have the money to fight her on it and there was no written agreement in the papers saying she has to allow me to see my Son… I also have no Parental Rights to him… Someday I plan on fighting it… Someday I will somehow figure out a way to ensure Damien learns that I am in fact his real Mother… Damien is now 8 years old… It kills me that I can’t see him and I haven’t seen him in 2 years now thanks to my bitch of an Aunt… I have never forgiven her for what she has done to me…

The last time I had seen Jay my oldest son was 2 years old… He showed at his 2nd birthday party to bring him a Tonka Truck… I never seen him again after that… When I was pregnant with my Daughter I had thought she was Dung’s child… I hadn’t really sat down and did the math… When my Daughter was 2 weeks old I married Dung… We had been together for a year and it seemed like the right thing to do… It wasn’t until after I left Dung and Jay was long gone that I realized my daughter Jacqueline wasn’t Dung’s child… She was Jay’s daughter… So Jay has no idea that my Daughter is his Daughter as well…

I had left Dung cause he was abusing me… The abuse started after we got married… I finally left him when he put me in the hospital with a fractured jaw and cheekbone… After I left him I had no where to go and I was a 3 month old baby girl to take care of… So I did the best thing I could think of to do… I placed Jacqueline with Helen and Kevin… I asked them if they could care for her until I could get back on my feet and get a steady place to live… They agreed… But months turned into years and I was still not in a stable situation…

I gave Helen and Kevin guardianship of her so they could put her in school and provide medical care… By the time I finally gotten into a situation where I could care for my Daughter again she had been there so long that they were attached to her and she to them… I couldn’t take her away from them… I also knew that I can’t give her a better life then she has with them… So we came to an agreement… They will keep her and I have all the visitation I want… I am also keeping Custody of her to ensure they don’t try to keep her from me… It’s a safety thing after what happened to my oldest Son… In the 7 years of my Daughter’s life they have honored their word… I see her whenever I want and I can take her for as long as I want… She knows I am her Mother… I call and talk to her and we alternate Holidays… Like for instance I get her on Christmas Eve one year and then on Christmas Day the next… I take her every Thanksgiving… They have her on Halloween… She also comes and spends the weekends with me from time to time…

Well after all that as most of you know I met my husband Jeremy… After we were together for 5 months I found out I was pregnant… I learned I was pregnant 2 weeks after we started living together…

So here I am now… I have a 4 year old son with my husband who I am raising… I have a 7 year old daughter that I see often and knows who I am… Then I have a 8 year old son who I can’t see unless he happens to be around on Christmas Day when I go to my Grandparent’s house who has no idea that I am his Mother… The only reason I don’t tell him when I do see him is I don’t want to ruin Christmas for him or my Grandparents… Especially with my Grandfather having such poor health I don’t want to cause issues at their house… But my Grandmother promised me that she will make sure he does eventually learn who I am… Everyone in my family except Damien knows I am Damien’s real Mother… So it is only a matter of time before he learns the truth … I am just waiting for the day to come… Someday, somehow, I will see my Son more and have him in my life… Even if it’s the last thing I do…

Even though I don’t have all 3 of my kids I do love them all deeply… They are always on my mind and forever in my heart…

*UPDATE*

I wrote this entry 5 years ago… Much has changed since this entry… For instance Damien learned I am his biological mother and I get him in the summer… Also Jacqueline has been living with me for over 3 years now… I have sole custody and guardianship of her…

*Candy*