MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER!

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Current Mood: Blah
Today’s Plans: Nothing
My Favorite Quote:
”I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~Marilyn Monroe

My Father Michael was more of an alcoholic then my Mother was… But despite how horrible my Mother was my Father managed to make her look like an angel… My history with my Father started when I was 7 years old… That’s when I met him… He wasn’t there the first 7 years of my life and was barely there in the time to follow…

I went to live with him and his 2nd wife when I was 7… His wife who is the Mother of my 18 year old Sister was a bit of a emotional wreck… She was going through hard time with 14 miscarriages… She eventually started to lose it… My Father sent my back to my Grandparents when she eventually broke down and had tried to kill herself… I don’t know what all happened after that except that my Sister was born after all that and my Father left her…

Between the ages of 7 and 15 my Father wasn’t there much… My contact with him consisted of broken promises and a lot of no shows… Not to mention meeting woman after woman as my Father was a bit of a womanizer who loved cheating on his wives… He has been married 8 times…

At age 12 I lived with him and his wife for a short time… His wife at that time is the Mother of my 14 year old Sister… That is how I met my friend Tom Clarke… He was their landlord and lived next door… He had kids my age hanging out there… He became like a Father to me… We were very close and I told him things I wouldn’t tell my Father… Tom had a slight drinking problem but never to the point where he was drunk all the time… His girlfriend loved to help me dress up and do my hair… I loved being around them… Even after moving away from my Father again cause his marriage was ending I still kept in touch with Tom…

Sometime between the age of 14 and 15 I went to live with my Father again cause my Grandparents just couldn’t handle me anymore… I was pretty rebelious and out of control considering everything I had been going through and the fact I had felt like no one wanted me with how much I was moved around between family members…

When I went to live with him he was dating Joanna… He never married her… But she has 3 sons… Brian, Kevin, and Nick… They were 14, 15, and 16… They were considered my Step-Brothers by my Father… My Father and Joanna both spend all their time being drunk… I felt like the outsider of the family… But then things started going really wrong… My bedroom was the laundry room which was across from Nick’s room in the basement… I slept on a wooden couch that had 2 cushions on it… I had no bed, no dresser, no form of furniture to make it seem like a bedroom…

Nick used to sneak into my room after everyone was asleep and talk to me… Not brotherly like type talk… He would hit on me… But considering he was like family I was grossed out by it… I was also still a virgin so the thought of sex would terrify the hell out of me…

One night when Nick was torn up bout a break up with an ex of his he snuck into my room while I was sleeping… I woke up to him grabbing on me and slipping his hand under my nightgown… I told him to stop… He wouldn’t… I was scared out of my mind… He ended up raping me and that is how my virginity was lost… I wanted to go to my Father about it but he was always drunk and out of it… Plus I was afraid he wouldn’t believe me especially after the incident with my Aunt’s bf when no one believed he molested me… So I kept it inside being tormented by it and having no one I could turn too… I started smoking around this time… To take the edge off all the emotional pain… Nick, Kevin,a nd Brian smoked too so they supplied me with a cigarette from time to time… One day I need smokes and I had no money not to mention I was underage and couldn’t buy them even if I did have the money… So I walked into a grocery store that had a display of cartons and stole one… I got busted…

I didn’t want my Father finding out I had skipped school and shop lifted so I lied about my name… To which they eventually discovered who I was really and my Father showed to collect me… I was charged with Retail Theft and Obstruction to Justice… I got a year of Probation…

When my Father took me home he beat me

with this long wooden board… Hitting me in my sides and head… It hurt… I cried… He was drunk… My Step-Brothers always used my room to smoke in cause there was a water vent in my floor and they used that to dispose of the cigarettes cause none of us were allowed to smoke… They used my Probation and my smoking against me… Blackmailing me into letting them do whatever they wanted to do to me… I was literally molested and raped every night by one of them…

One day I refused to let them… I told them I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore… So they went to my Father telling him that I had been smoking in my room and I was putting cigarettes down the vent… Thing was I wasn’t… I always smoked outside across the street at the park… They were the ones using the vent in my room… But my Father didn’t believe me when I told him it wasn’t me doing it… He beat the hell out of me again and locked me in the basement… I was trapped in the basement only allowed out to go to the bathroom for 3 months… The sent my meals down to me… Which I was only allowed dinner… My Step-Brothers got some kind of sick enjoyment out of my punishment…

After what they had done to me I decided to go to my Father about what they had been doing to me… Joanna flipped out calling me a slutty little liar… My Father went to Nick about it… But Nick put on this tormented face and put on a big act saying that it was me who was forcing him to have sex… My Father believed him…

I ran away after that… A friend of mine from school helped hide me in her house… Her brother was an ex-boyfriend of mine… Nick somehow figured out where I was and told my Father… He came and found me dragging my to the car by my hair…

Between the rape and the abuse I was starting to lose it… I started threatening to kill myself if they didn’t leave me alone… One day I stood up to my Father and told him if he layed a hand on me again I would slit my wrists… My Father asked me if I wanted to die and I told him if that was what it took to get away from him then yes… He stabbed me… Then cut my wrists to make it look like I was trying to kill myself… He then called the Police and reported attempted suicide… I got locked up in a Mental Hospital for 3 months… That is how I met my ex Joseph who is the son of Helen my adopted mom… While there I told of the abuse and rape… But they just said I was making it up cause I was bi-polar… They put me on all these anti-psychotic meds that had me not knowing if I was coming or going… They released me back to my Father…

When I got out I discovered that my dear friend Tom Clarke had died just a few days before I was released… I had spoken to him 2 days before his death… He was going to help me get away from my Father… But now he was dead… Died of a Stomach Anorism…

When I found out I was being sent back to my Father I freaked out… Shortly after that my Father left Joanna… He took me and we moved to this flea bag motel with one bed… That is where I mat my boyfriend Jeremy (not my husband just an ex of mine)… We hung out and skipped school together… After the motel my Father stopped drinking for awhile and didn’t beat me… So I was starting to be happy… Until one night when I snuck out to meet my boyfriend… My Father found out and tracked me down… He beat the hell out of me in the middle of the parking lot saying it was all my fault Joanna kicked him out… That I was an ungrateful little bitch who deserved to die… Considering my Father had stabbed me once before I was terrified he really would kill me…

I don’t remember how I managed to do it but somehow I got away from my Father… I went to live with my Mother… The story to what happened there is in the entry about my Mother…

I never seen my Father again until I turned 21… He was in California by this time remarried to his 8th wife… I contacted him for what reason I don’t know… I think a part of me always hoped he would wake up and be a real Father… I went out to see him in California… I was 6 months pregnant with my son Ethan… It was a month of nothing but arguing and fighting… He was drunk all the time which is when I learned he lied about the no longer drinking… Anytime he even thought to threaten me I stood my ground cause I wasn’t a little kid anymore… Needless to say by the time the trip was over I was happy to be back home with my husband…

My Father came out to Illinois last year wanting to see me but at the time I wanted nothing to do with him so his entire visit went by and I didn’t see him once…

I still have contact with my Father… He has stopped drinking I can tell by his attitude and behavior… I am still trying to forgive him for all the wrong caused by him… But it’s a working process… He apologized for all of it… When we spoke of Nick, Kevin, and Brian he apologized and said he can’t begin to tell me how horrible he feels that he didn’t believe me when I went to him about what they were doing to me… He said if he could take it back it would… There are some things I will never forgive my Father for… But some I already have…

*Candy*