MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER!

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Current Mood: Blah

Today’s Plans: Nothing

My Favorite Quote:
”I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~Marilyn Monroe

Edwina… Yeah that’s my mother’s real name… Although she goes by her middle name Ann… Can’t say I really blame her… I have often enough asked my Grandmother what she was thinking naming my mom Edwina… Although it’s not too suprising considering the names of most my family including myself…

Grandmother: Roxie Ann, Grandfather: Kenneth Jack, Mother: Edwina Ann, Aunt: Ludella Mae, Aunt: Rebecca Joe, Uncle: Jacky Darrel, Uncle: Harold Eugene, and Myself: Candice Fae

See a pattern? Can you tell where my family is from?

But anyways my mother is one of those types of people who just should not have been a parent… Not like she ever really tried being one anyways… In my 26 years of life the only time I have ever heard my mother tell me she loved me was a couple years ago when she was stone ass drunk and I seriously doubt she even knew who she was talking to…

My mother had me til I was 5 years old and then she just dumped me off on my Grandmother’s doorstep and vanished for the next 5 years… Only to show up when I was 10 to inform me she was married and pregnant… Accourding to my Grandmother she was pretty strung out my first 5 years and I do recall her being drunk pretty much all the time… So pretty much for the first 10 years of my life I didn’t really even know who my mother was… When she came back into my life we got along ok for the first couple of years but then as she started drinking again and got heavily into drugs we got along less and less… She also hated that I couldn’t stand my Step-Father… He was an alcoholic just like she was only he was even more of an ass then she was… He didn’t think much of me either… As far as he was concerned I was just a kink in his life…

So my mother tried to get me to move back in with her when I was like 11 and I said no cause I really didn’t like who she married… Plus I was pretty angry about the whole ditching me and starting a whole new life without me thing… I had gone and stayed with my Father for a little while when I was about 7 years old… I don’t remember much about it except that my Step-Mother was a bit erratic and depressive… My Father sent me back to live with my Grandparents when my Step-Mother tried killing herself… Apparently she had several miscarriages and wasn’t handling it well… Not exactly a good environment to raise a child in… This is the mother of my 18 year old sister Amanda… She of course came long after I was back with my Grandparents… But shortly after her birth my Father left her Mother…

Considering I had an alcoholic Mother who didn’t really want me and a Father who was barely in my life I was growing into a very angry child… Then at the age 12 when my Aunt Lulu’s bf molested me I really started to act out… When I reported his molestation no one believed me… In my family that was the kind of thing you just didn’t want to hear about so they acted like it didn’t exist… Unfortunately the man that molested me at 12 is now my Aunt’s husband and the father of 2 of her 3 kids… So I basically have to face him a lot… To this day he still tried making moves on me anytime my Aunt isn’t around so I just avoid being alone with him…

It was my Mother who originally called me a liar about the molestation… The more angry I got the more trouble I seemed to get into… Eventually my Mother told me she washes her hands of me and I am no daughter of hers… By the time I was 15 years old my Grandparents couldn’t handle my behavior anymore so they shipped me off to my Father who was dating a new woman… One I couldn’t stand and wasn’t a huge fan of mine either… She had 3 sons… One was 14, one was 15, and one was 16… Their names were Brian, Kevin, and Nick… The story that goes with them will be included with the entry about my Father…

So anyways I ended up running away from my Father because of the things going on and when I was found went to live with my Mother… At first things were ok… But the longer I was there the worst

things would get… My Brother was 6 years old by this time and I was practically raising him myself cause my Mother was always working, sleeping, or too drunk to be a parent… So I fed him, dressed him, watched him, and made sure he got to school… My Step-Father and I fought like all the time… Constantly butting heads over anything and everything cause I hated that he was drunk all the time just like my Mother… Of course having a drunk Mother who didn’t care meant I had no rules, no curfew, and pretty much no restrictions… My friends were jealous and wanting what I had but in all honesty I was jealous of what they had… Sure they had rules and curfews but they also had caring parents who looked out for them… I was in a car accident with one of my friend and my Mother didn’t even check on me or show at the hospital… She called my friend’s Mother asking if I was alive the day after the accident and that was it…

Eventually I got fed up with the constant fighting and told my Mother she had to make a decision… My Step-Father or myself… One of us was going to have to go cause we couldn’t live like that… She kicked me out… I was only 15 just a few months shy of turning 16… That’s pretty much how I went on the being homeless for bout 5 years… I spent my 16th birthday in a crack house cause I knew someone who lived there and they let me use their couch for the night…

Ever since all that I have never really forgiven my Mother for the shit I went through and endured because of her but I never brought it up nor threw it in her face… But she sure loves throwing everything bad about me or mistakes I make in mine…

On the day of my Wedding Reception she walks up to my husband telling him she had 2 more kids then she ever wanted… Yea that was a nice thing to say on your Daughter’s Wedding Day…

My Mother pretty much made it a point to tell me my entire life that I was worthless and I would never amount to anything… That all I knew how to do was destroy everything around me and hurt people… Hmm wonder where my complex and self hatred comes from?

About a month or so ago my Mother told me that she feels sorry for my husband because he has to be married to me and I am useless… Yea that felt good hearing…

I am not the only one who’s life she harmed… My 16 year old Brother still lives with her and he is quickly throwing his life away… She of course has no rules set on him really just like it was with me… He has been kicked out of school… He also has been arrested on many occasions for drugs and violence not to mention he is in a Gang… So I am terrified he is going to end up in prison or dead before he even turns 18… He has already been shot at 3 times and that still hasn’t woken him up…

So yeah that is about the rough run down of who my Mother is and why I don’t care much for her…

*Candy*