I will disguise myself as a sleeping pill

 I’m watching Bill Maher videos on YouTube. I love me some Bill Maher in the morning. 

I’m siiiick, and it sucks. Jonathan has been sick for a few days, and I managed to avoid getting it bad until yesterday, but I was able to work through it. I’m glad today is my day off, because I probably couldn’t work through it today.

There’s been a very prevalent theme in my dreams the last two weeks or so, and the theme is apparently that I’m a huge hussy in my sleep. It’s hilarious, I wake up every morning laughing. In every dream, I end up in a house/apartment/hotel room (it’s something different every night), with HUGE floor to ceiling windows, and they’re usually on a pretty high floor, at least the 3rd, some nights way, way up high in the building. The windows are just too much for me to resist in the dreams, and I end up excusing myself from the group, going to that room, and getting totally fucking naked to play in front of the window. Then, I either just sit there, or I dance, or I catch people’s eyes, or I play it coy and pretend I don’t realize anyone can see me. Sometimes I get dressed just to undress in front of the window. 

It’s bizarre. It’s totally freaking bizarre. 

Meanwhile, in reality…I don’t know if I wrote about my failure to appear a few months, ago, but…yeah, it was about $300. When I couldn’t pay it, my lovely state sent it to collections and tacked on another $300, and then sent a notice that says if I don’t pay it by 06/27 they’re taking my license until I do.

The original court date, btw, was over a speeding ticket that was a)bullshit and b)dismissed anyway! 

So I got that letter on Wednesday and I’ve barely been able to eat since. I know it’s part of the reason I’m sick. I’m so, so stressed. I have no idea what we’re going to do, there’s nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do this month to get an extra $600. Rent alone is going to be amazingly tight this month.

Puke. I hate money. I want to live in my car and be a nomad, or just get a tent and hitchhike for a few years. I’m so done with everything right now.

Work was so slow last week, I didn’t make shit. This week, we had nothing for Tuesday so I didn’t even go in, and I tried to make up for it the other 3 days and still only made shit…I’m really hoping this next paycheck is a little better.

I’m just tired of crying, and being so stressed I can’t even focus on one thing. Not to mention my complete lack of an appetite. When something does sound good, it’s something terrible like Taco Bell.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do about the $600. Someone I met on an iPhone app of all places, who is becoming a really good friend to me, offered to send $250. He said he puts away a bit of money every once in a while specifically to help friends when they’re in a crunch. I was flabbergasted, I NEVER expected generosity like that out of someone I haven’t known that long. I don’t know if I can/will accept yet, but if it’s getting close to the 27th and I don’t have enough, then um, yeah, I pretty much HAVE to accept. It’s that, or lose my license, and lose every bit of income I have.

I’m depressed about the oil spill, too. I think this is just the first time something really big and bad has happened since I emerged out of my cocoon of ignorance (the religion I grew up in), and it’s so real, and so devastating. I love this Earth so much and the fact that people are destroying it…it makes my blood boil but also makes me feel very weak and defeated right now. 

Oh, here’s something else bizarre. The other day I was driving to work and they were talking about the Roaring ’20s, and then I started thinking of other cool decades and times, and I started CRYING because I’ll never get to see them! This was probably soon after I got the DMV notice in the mail. I’ve been in quite a funk ever since, but even when I was crying about it, I was like, "What a funny thing to be so upset about right now…".

*E*
Is and isn’t create each other 
Difficult and easy complete each other 
Long and short form each other 
High and low fill each other 
Tone and word define each other 
Front and back follow each other 
All this is inescapable