Lost In A Thought

Have you ever just sat in the silence and wondered about the things around you. The people, the lives, the stars in the sky. Just about it all and what it means to you. Have you ever had the chance to just sit and not say a word to the person sitting next to you because to much was going on inside your head.

I had a moment like that tonight. It was kind of nice. I was sitting in the car and watching the sky go by. And all I could think was how short my life really is compared to that of a stars. Well that was at least one of my thoughts. The other one wanted to make me cry. I mean I don’t even know what it was. I just wanted to start crying in the car on the way home. I just wanted to let it all go. But I couldn’t. I don’t allow myself to open up.

This need to cry, this need to hate myself. Is driving me crazy. I don’t think I hate myself. But everytime I think I’m getting better something happens to prove me wrong. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s just I don’t know. There’s a lot in my life that is just well yeah out there and a bit to much for to handle I guess. I don’t know.

I mean I guess I know I can handle it. But everything is beganning to get predictable again. I need something random to happen. Like random people showing up at my door. Random phone calls, just something different for a change! It doesn’t have to be much just different.

If I had one wish it would be that you would see the truth in my eyes and not the lies that fall from my lips.

~Sonja~