Dear journalry

What is it?  Am I happier being poor?

Maybe I feel less pressure when I don’t have money.  If I have money, then shouldn’t I probably be doing something useful? As long as I’m poor, then anything I do seems like an extra effort.  Something people can look at and say "Oh look at him trying so hard even though he’s poorer than a hobo filing for his third divorce."

Still, being cash strapped and secluded for so long has brought some weird results.  I’m now reclusive where once I was outgoing.  I’m surprisingly way dirtier even though I spend more free time at home.  And I’m incredibly, shamefully, thrifty.

It’s not the kind of thrifty where you clip coupons, or check an iPhone app to see where the best price on gas is.  It’s the kind of thrifty that gives you 50 dollars to spend on groceries for the month, and you shrug your shoulders and say "Yeah… I can probably do that."

It’s like a dare.  Do you want to do it? No…

But do you get some kind of sick pride about eating nutritionless calories for 45 days straight until a family member realizes that the whites of your eyes are sagging? Hell yeah you do.

Now I’m working full time.  The pay is decent.  I’ll have medical and dental benefits soon.  And I’m confused.

There’s money in my bank account… like… enough to pay rent.

I don’t have to stall for rent.  Weird.

There’s also a girl that I like, and she likes me back, and me being a penniless loser isn’t holding me back… Weird.

People are inviting me out… and I’m not telling them "Sorry, it doesn’t fit the budget this month" because… I don’t have an actual budget. I never have, really… I either afford things or I don’t.

I went to the grocery store today, and I bought hummus.

Hummus is a dip. You just dip other foods into it to make your foods taste like something else.  It’s not necessary for life.  It’s just a 5 dollar tub of "Oh, I think I’d like to scare vampires tomorrow night".

I bought beer. It wasn’t crap beer.

When I got home today, I was unsatisfied with my living arrangements.  What squalor have I been living in? It was good enough for the man buried under student loans and shame, but it’s nowhere near good enough for a hipster marketeer who sees a fitted pea coat in his future.

Life is so filled with perception issues. No wonder there’s so many "power of positive thinking" guru’s.  They must be absolutely positive I’ll buy into their crap.