ZPD 8.12

 Before I say any more, I want to make something very clear.  Every person has something built inside of them.  I consider it a safety valve of sorts.  Spill a mans blood, in self defense or otherwise, and it builds up a considerable amount of stress on the mind.  Take another life, and the stress will compound.  It will build up a pressure on the brain until that safety valve inside you starts to shut you down.  Your hands will shake, or your arms will lose all strength.  Your breathing will turn shallow, and you may see no need to look to the left or to the right.  The worst cases will appear catatonic, until that persons mind can repair the damage that’s been done.

I’m bringing this up, because these were the very symptoms Pete began to show in the backseat of the Jeep.  We had been driving around a few hours, looking for survivors.  The mornings adrenaline rush had worn off, and that’s usually the time it happens.  Guy noticed him first.

"Hey, what’s wrong with you?  Pete?  Hey Pete?" She hit his arm, and he didn’t respond.

"Gavin, something’s wrong with Pete.  Pete honey?  Look at me." She tried moving his face toward her, but he only stared beyond her.  He showed no response at all.  Guy and I were both worried.  Pete was the oldest.  Pete was the strongest.  He had been our savior, and protector.  To see him fall like this was difficult, but this is the point I’m trying to make.  His breakdown was no sign of weakness.  It was a sign of his humanity.  He killed because he had to, not because he enjoyed it.  I was actually relieved when I showed some of the same signs later on.  Everyone breaks at some point.  If you don’t, you were a danger before any of this ever started.

Guy moved Pete so that he was in a fetal position with his head in her lap.  She curled her fingers through his hair, and sort of whispered encouragement to him.  I was glad to have her with us then.  She had better bedside manners then I ever would.  It was a little past mid-day then, and we had less than half a tank of fuel.  It was an old gas jeep, so if we wanted to keep using it we’d need a place to refill it eventually.  We were driving through a neighborhood that looked less like a warzone than most of the other areas we’d seen to that point.  A few cars were parked in driveways, and we couldn’t see any bodies in the street.  I decided to pull over and turn off the engine.

"How’s he doing?" I asked.

"He’s fine.  He just needs a break."  You should have seen the girl.  She had both hands on his face, and was giving me such a stare.  Like a bird sitting on her eggs.  Very defensive.  Pete was lucky to have her around.

I sort of shifted sideways in my seat so I could see more comfortably.

"Guy, you never told us how you survived.  Or why.  For real, are you a virgin?"

She tried to scoff at the question.  She gave me a dirty look and tsk’d through her teeth.  I didn’t change the topic though, and it wasn’t like I was trying to be sexy.  The best way to avoid a topic is to satisfy the inquiry really.

"For real.  I’m a virgin."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

—–

If this is all read one hundred years from now, I guess I should explain this.  During the days when the red pill was introduced, sex was probably the most prolific form of entertainment and exercise on the planet.  Yes, I was a virgin then.  For men this was rare to see at 18, sure.  It was far from impossible though.  Men were the pursuers, and the onus was usually on them to form any sexual conquest.  There were exceptions, but this was a general rule.  Had been for centuries, and likely still is.  I just don’t see us changing that much.  For a woman to have sex, they just had to wait for a suitor, and say yes when asked.  Most women turned down their fair share by the age of 19.  Tall women.  Short women.  Fat women.  Skinny women.  Ugly women.  Pretty women.  Especially pretty women.  The attractive women would have to turn down men almost daily, or deal with a foul reputation.  Sexual desire being the innate animalistic  force that it always was, made a girls virginity the rarest thing around Guy’s age.  The more thought I gave it, the more perplexing it was to me.  Guy wasn’t a stunning beauty, but she was pretty in her own way.  She certainly wasn’t ugly.  I based my own status as a virgin on the idea that lady luck wasn’t ever in the mood when my chance came around.  It wasn’t even just your basic human needs that drove lust for a virgin those days.  The curiosity over mankind’s favorite activity was enough to drive a person over the edge sometimes.  Unfortunately, this lead to some very bad things even before the red pill.  Anyways, all of this should sum up my train of thoughts during this conversation.  No matter what, it’s always been a delicate topic.

—–

"Why not?  You’re kidding me.  You’re saying you never got that chance?"

"Please, there were chances.  Lots of them."

"They were just too ugly?"

"I just wasn’t interested, that’s all."  She looked like she wanted to drop the subject, but my curiosity on this was killing me.

"Not interested?"

"Nope.  Never was."

I got it then.  She was a lesbian.  Lesbians were women who weren’t attracted to men, but were instead attracted to other women.  They still had sex though.  Maybe they just didn’t have as many opportunities.

"Oh… So were you born this way?"

"Sure.  At birth I’m sure everyone’s like me."

"No.  No way.  Not me."  She gave me a funny look.  I continued, "I’ve always been into girls.  I remember being 4 or 5 years old, and having crushes on girls.  I didn’t know why.  I mean, what was I gonna do about it right?  I just mean, I’ve always liked girls.  I never looked at guys like that.  If I did as a baby, that’s pretty sick."

She gave me a puzzled look for a few seconds.  Then as realization dawned, her look turned sour.

"I’m not a lesbian, you jackass."

"You’re not?" My misjudgements in areas like this were a big reason I was still a virgin.  Like I said, a delicate topic.  I’m sure my face went red immediately.

"I’m A-Sexual."

"You mean like worms?"

"No. What?  What do you mean by that?"

"I don’t know.  I just remember my science teacher saying that worms were asexual.  They could be, you know, whatever.  Guy or girl."

"I’m a girl."

"Okay…" It was all very confusing for me at the time.

"I just, don’t feel like having sex all the time."

"Well I don’t either.  Not all the time."  I

mean, I wasn’t a freak.

"Okay.  I mean, I don’t ever."

"Ever?"

"Never have."

"Huh…"  It was shocking.  Something that was so natural to me.  Something that seemed so built in, and necessary for anyone I’d ever met.  It was difficult to process.

"Weren’t you even curious?"

"Not really.  Maybe once when I was younger.  I never did it, and I’m okay with that.  Especially now."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I do like guys more than girls."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm…"

I didn’t have much to say after that.  I turned back around and stared in front of me for a bit.  The sun was really hot, and I was getting thirsty.  We both ate some fruit, and drank some water.  Guy poured little caps out into Pete’s lips.  He seemed to swallow it okay, and we felt better about that.  He wouldn’t eat anything though.  We tried tearing up bits of fruit leather and feeding it to him, but he kept his mouth shut.  We didn’t try to force him.  It wasn’t the time for that.

Nothing much happened afterward that I could write about.  We weren’t attacked, and our conversation was a little dry.  I told Guy my story.  How I had wound up hiding in that tree with Pete.  How he had saved my life.  We talked about some of the things we used to do.  She was into track and field.  I told her about my love of history.  We talked about anything, just to pass the time.  We ate a little bit more as the sun fell, and we took turns walking around the jeep to stretch our muscles.  We might have tried to explore some of the houses, but with Pete in his condition we couldn’t go far.  It was important that we stick together.  The waiting grew worse once the sun hit the horizon.  It was around dawn or dusk that we always heard the gun shots, but there would be fewer of them day by day.  The sun was half submerged when we heard the first reports away to the east.

"That’s them." Guy said.

"That’s them" I nodded.

I started up the jeep, turned us around, hit the lights, and drove out towards the country.