Can’t stop crying – death is closer than thought

Yesterday was a rough day for Medhia, and every time I even think of her name I start to cry. Part of me wants to write this entry clinically so I can stay detached from the situation but that is unhealthy. I need to deal with the emotions.
One of the hardest things is how along I am. Being single, no kids, I live alone, am retired, and at an age where all my friends have their own families and stuff to deal with, mainly I’m all alone.
Yesterday, she stopped eating about 1 p.m. and didn’t really eat again until 1 a.m.
She spent most of the day wandering around, hiding in strange places. Since she was going into the basement a lot; and not eating, I decided to follow her down. She is having trouble peeing.
She would go from one litter box to another, squat for up to a minute and then look, go to the other box and repeat.
Around 10 p.m. she started following me around the house, even to bed. She fell asleep on my bed for a while. For the first time, she began to growl and hiss while being pet.
Finally, she ate a few licks about 1.p.m. and then left my room.
The whole night I was holding back tears as I just watched her lay there.
She seemed to have perked up this morning, then about noon her appetite disappeared. She hasn’t eaten much all day.
Her peeing today has been very tiny squirts.
What I’m most scared about is going away for Christmas. I’m already cutting my usual two-week trip down to just 72 hours. Every time I think about leaving I cry because I have a feeling she won’t be alive when I return home.
Today has given serious consideration to relieving her suffering before I leave on Sunday. If I do, that’s a decision I have to make before morning.
Is she at that point?
* She is eating less and less every day. A week ago it was a full can; today it was a tablespoon.
* Her urine output to water intake is non-existent. She is barely peeing.
Does this justify ending her life? It’s not “ending” her life; she will live on but not with me. But she will be free from suffering.
I can’t cry anymore. I can’t watch her deteriorate any more.
The only blessing is that kidney disease is usually painless.
It’s not like I haven’t been through this, I’ve had a dog, four cats and a father I had to help move to the other world. Yet, part of me feels like this is still murder, even though deep down I know what I’m doing is merciful.
According to all the research, she is very near the end. Knowing that makes me feel so guilty for leaving her for 72 hours.
Last night after Medhia left my room and I got ready for bed, something strange happened.
I shut out the lights and climbed into bed. Then I saw this stunning glowing red/purple orb start off near my window and slowly move towards my bed.
At first, I thought it was just the residual of the lightbulb in my eyes. As I moved my head, the orb didn’t move. As it started to pass over the lower part of my bed, I flicked on my light.
I slept with my light on last night like a scared little kid.
It’s just about 6 p.m., and I’m hoping that Medhia has a better night tonight, and eats during her next feedings between now and 11 p.m., five more feedings tonight or more.
Tigger is starting to act up too. She’s becoming more vocal and pacing around the house. Tigger probably knows Medhia is not doing well.
I feel so pathetic that I’ve cried through writing this entry. I need to get my shit together. It’s not that I’m against crying, it’s the amount I’ve been doing.
MJG

“for I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.” ~ Thomas Jefferson