Memory lane…

It’s weird sometimes how memory lane can sneak up and pounce on you.  The other day at work I was listening to music as I normally do.  One song came on…a song I’ve heard plenty of times at work but for some reason this time it took me back.  I don’t remember if it was before me and Justin were dating or near the start of us dating.  There was drama.  Not sure if we were fighting or what the deal was but it was one of those moments where I just had to get the hell out of my house.  I needed to go for a drive.  So I got in my truck and headed to the one park not far away that I like to go to.  It’s one of those that it just gets you away from "life" and gives you a chance to just relax and enjoy life.  Okay I know that sounds odd but when I say "life" I mean work, problems, bills, all of the regular crap that comes from life.  When I say enjoy life…I mean truly enjoying being alive, enjoying mother nature and the beauty around you in the world.  I had gone to this park and for some reason this one song was just hitting home for me.  I sat in my truck listening to it over and over again until it got me to snap out of my mood.  For some reason the other day at work when this song came on it was like instantly I was back in my truck.  I was looking out my windshield at nature around me and just getting lost in the song.  It was just so weird cause it was one of those like holy crap on the emotions.

Then today I was in my closet to put together this shelf thing and saw some notebooks with notes in them.  Now I know I’ve got a few with notes from high school from friends and even my one boyfriend at the time.  So I grabbed the one book and opened it to see what notes it was.  The first note grabbed my attention and kept me having to read more.  It was from Mikey…my ex who I should say right now is openly gay now.  He’s one of those guys that in high school you knew he was gay but you kind of just went along with him being straight.  In fact he came out like a year after high school I think.  The note was one he had written me on my last day at school before I left to move back here to the states.  It was strange reading some of the letters because it made me remember that for a while…we had a lot of drama between us.  Our breakup wasn’t a good one.  It was one that left me confused because it came out of nowhere with him accusing me of things that baffled me.  Like I wasn’t supportive of him and all this stuff.  The truth is it was stupid skanks that were friends with him basically talking trash in his ear and getting him to believe their BS.  Plus apparently people were telling him that people were telling me stuff and I was buying it.  Even after the breakup it was odd because he’d say stuff about how many in the future we could give it another shot and that love grows with time.  Total stuff that screws with your mind.  So this notebook was all notes near the end of my time there when a lot of questions were going back and forth.  He’d say how I was putting up walls with him and not being open to him.  I was jealous of other girls around him.  We’d fight and I guess even for a while we stopped being friends.  In some of the notes he admitted he tried to distance himself from me because I was leaving.  He thought it would be easier on us.  He even said how that was part of why he broke up with me. 

The letters were just…I don’t know.  It was strange cause here I am with only one side of a conversation lol.  Well sometimes it was both sides because we had some of the same classes so we’d take a piece of paper and write back and forth on it.  So you’d have what I wrote followed by his response…back and forth.  Some of it was intense to read.  Him apologizing for having hurt me so much and hurt me in the past.  Some of it was song lyrics regarding how he felt for me.  The one note…well it was mostly song lyrics with a bit of a note was his last note to me and the last words he wrote just…it brought back those feelings.  I admit…I still love him to some extent.  But he was that first love for me and I think almost everyone will admit they still care for their first love.  And it’s more that I love what we had while we had it.  He was a very romantic guy.  Something I wish Justin would be more of at times.  But his last words in the last note were…"can I keep you?"  Now for most they won’t get where that comes from.  But there was the movie Casper and I remember one song from the soundtrack was just a really good song.  And for a little bit of time in the movie Casper gets to become a real boy so he can dance with the one girl and the one thing he says to her at one point which is a total awww thing is "can I keep you?".  So that’s kind of where that came from.  But it was just interesting reading the letters and seeing the drama that was going on back then.  To know that so many outside forces were what drove us apart back then.  That so many damn skanks were running their mouths and doing all they could to drive a wedge between us and sadly…it worked. 

Granted that’s all changed.  We’re close friends despite not living near each other.  I’m one of the only people he has let read his one book about stuff that happened in his life including basically his first gay experiences.  He was texting me the other day asking what I thought of it and asking if I wanted an original copy of it once he got it polished up and edits done to it.  Which I said I’d like a copy.  We still care about each other but it’s in a different way.  It’s that friendship that was once built on a relationship.  But it’s just been weird how much lately I’ve been stumbling down memory lane without trying to lol.

~*~Edit~*~

Well this isn’t memory lane but…I’m stuck in my own head right now.  I was on Justin’s computer earlier and went to look up hotmail.  His one browser will bring up suggestions based on past things you searched.  One caught my attention.  It was how to find a girl you met once.  I was like okay that’s weird.  So I decided to do where I typed every letter to see what came up as suggestions and I saw that he had done two different searches like that and then had searched some chick’s name a few different ways including based on the city she lives in.  But the whole time I was thinking well maybe this is about me back when he first met me.  I mean it’s hard to know how far back these suggestions go.  But then I came across one search with the name that told me…it wasn’t me or back then.  He was searching for a chick he must have met at the birthday part for a friend of ours.  Which to me it’s like okay why are you searching for this chick?  Why are you trying to do it almost behind my back since you haven’t said anything to me about it, you haven’t tried talking to our friend about this person so…it just makes me wonder.  Granted I know it might truly be harmless.  Maybe they just hit it off talking about music or some crap like that.  But there’s parts that make me just question it.  And of course I can’t say anything about it cause if I did bring it up in any way he’d flip out.  Even though he’s the same one who says withholding stuff is the same as lying.  He’s also the same one that a few times has picked up my cell phone and started randomly going through it.  Which I didn’t care about cause I’ve got nothing to hide.  Which is why I didn’t even care when he figured out the log in to my one computer.  Granted this was from a party back in like April but still…with the way my head is and my insecurities it just makes me wonder.  And knowing his past where he’s stayed with people because it benefited him in other ways like a place to live and such…ugh.  Maybe if he finally gets his act together and pops the question I’ll feel better and believe he truly wants a future with me.