Well, I’ll be dipped.

Jared is currently at the hospital while his fiance is in labor with their baby.

A girl. they’re naming her Sydney, which, no offense to anyone, is one of my all time least favorite names EVER.

I had heard that they had a miscarriage some time ago, but that was the last I heard about it or spoke with him. We talk randomly on FB or MSN when he’s really really bored at work. 

His fiance is like 19, and already has a kid who is nearly 2, named Drew. Hmm. Kinda sounds exactly like our relationship, to be honest. Ha! He bought her (them) a house there in Petersburg, which I assume is where they still live. They’re having the baby in Anchorage, cuz there’s no hospital in Pburg. There’s midwives, but his fiance is a weenie and is probably going to have a 2nd C-Section. 

I didn’t even know they were having a baby. I’m genuinely shocked.

I’m not hurt, or upset, but it kind of made me look at my life again, like, yanno what? ugh. To be honest, part of me is pretty pissed that he’s having a girl with her. Anytime someone has a kid of one gender and their second is the opposite gender, Im sort of pissed. I mean, what the hell? Why couldn’t I have a GIRL!? And I know that Ross doesn’t *WANT* more kids, but I definitely do… and I know that no one understands this insanity about so badly wanting a baby girl… but it’s there anyways.

It was a bad weekend. We had lots of plans, and Ross was a disaster. He gets all anxiety-ridden and starts freaking out when we have things to do. I ended up screaming in his face on Saturday and I honestly thought he might hit me. We had a BBQ at our place and I was doing everything for it, I had picked out recipes and I was making all the food, I’d done all the prep work and made all the sides earlier in the day. I had roasted a whole chicken to shred up for grilled quesadillas, and I had people bringing dessert, drinks, and appetizers, etc.. it was all good. The house was a bit of a wreck, but it usually is.

Ross ran around, frantic, all day, panicking over things that didn’t matter OR make sense. He kept shrieking about dishes. I had all the work done, he didnt NEED to do ANYTHING, but he just couldnt relax and enjoy the day, anticipate a nice evening with our favorite people, have a beer, sit outside in the sun and play with Milo, whatever.. no. He had to be freaking out all day in the kitchen.

The on Monday we went to his dad’s place for Memorial Day BBQ. He was a wreck all day that day, too. He had promised to make a cake for a lady at work’s last day. He does this all the time where he commits to doing something he doesnt have time for, and then procrastinates till the last possible minute and has a hard time getting it done on time. He had talked on Sunday about making a chocolate cake, just for us. Kasin had overheard that and was ecstatic, he LOVES chocolate cake, and Ross will sometimes make it for Kasin when he’s bored and feels like baking. So, then Ross felt like he had to make the cake for Kasin, but put it off ALL DAY on Sunday, even though we weren’t doing anything, just hanging out at home, light housework, laundry, playing outside. 

So he ended up making this cake at like 4pm on Monday, 2 hours before we had to be at Ross’ dad’s place for the BBQ, and he still hadn’t made the cake for work, yet. Fully knowing that we wouldn’t probably get home from his dad’s that night till 8 or 9, easily. He ended up making the cake that night and stressing himself out, staying up really late and getting up really early the next day to frost it. Ugh. Whatever. Insanity. 

He’s decided to be a huge PITA about Kasin doing chores. he’s constantly been a debbie-downer about it, saying that he thinks Kasin will try to get out of it, or saying that I wont stick with the plan and I wont make Kasin do all the stuff he has to do and it’ll all just fall apart, etc etc. We had discussed, right before school got out, how to make this work best, whether Kasin would earn a certain amount of money per chore or what, and I had decided that I would just give him the 5$ a week and he would just HAVE to do the chores I assigned, whether he liked it or not. No penalization, no choice about it, just "this is how it’s going to be." 

Aside from that, Kasin and I had a talk about him taking on more responsibility before summer started, and I explained to him that Ross and I work very hard to make money so we can provide for the family and take care of everyone, and that it’s only fair for Kasin to contribute to our family and household by helping to give me and Ross a break when we’re at home, that way we don’t have to try to do every single thing by ourselves. I added that he is old enough to help out more and that he will need to have these skills when he’s older, anyways, and he was very open and accepting of it all. There haven’t been any arguments about the chores, he does them and even seemed excited about it at first. 

ROSS, however, has been a giant pain in the ass. He constantly rolls his eyes and makes snarky comments about how well the chores are being done, or how impractical it is for Kasin to sweep after dinner every night, because Ross usually gets home at 4pm, two full hours before the rest of us get home for the day, and he can just do it himself and it will be done better anyways. So I told him he is more than welcome to do it himself whenever he WANTS TO, but he doesn’t HAVE TO, and that Kasin is STILL going to do it every night after dinner, whether Ross has done it himself earlier in the day, or not. He also rolls his eyes and huffs when Kasin doesn’t remember where something gets put away when he empties the dish rack (the kid has EPIC memory problems.) and is too scared to pick up knives to put them away, even though he’s been shown how to pick them up safely. His attitude seriously sucks.

I know it sounds awful, like he’s a horrible human being.. but I swear it’s not always like that. He is really a good guy, and he does so much for us. He just has some problems and he needs to be taking medication, and he doesn’t. He just got signed up for medical insurance at work, though. So, hopefully soon he’ll be able to do something about the prescription and all that. I’d really like to go WITH HIM the next time he sees his doctor, because I think Ross understates the problems and the anxiety level. The original diagnosis was depression with mild anxiety, but Ross DEFINITELY has SEVERE anxiety… mild like a fucking explosion.

Anyways.. some times I just don’t know if it’s going to be okay. Like if we can get through this stuff, if we’re going to last, if we can stick it out… make it work together… I know what I want, and where I want to be and how to get it, but Ross doesn’t seem to believe in me, or us at all. I feel like we have long-term plans and that he’s as much a part of those plans as me or any of the kids are, but then I wonder if I’ve made a mistake in planning things to include him. I know that his plan for leaving the state is to get a UHaul, ditch most of our stuff, find an apartment on the internet before we get to town, and move on a whim… MY plan is to interview online and over the phone, secure a job, find either a temp. housing arrangement or a hotel for the first few weeks, depending on where we move.. if we’re close enough, it would be ideal to stay with friends (we have several who will be local to the area we’re planning on moving to) while we look at houses or apartments. 

I have no delusional fantasies that we would just move there and be able to buy a house right away, but I do want to buy a house very soon, like within three years, after we move to CO. I’m so sick of renting. I’m ready to be a grown up. I want my own stuff, I want a reliable job with benefits and a retirement plan, and I don’t want to live paycheck-to-paycheck anymore. I want to be able to buy NEW, not used, furniture. I want to look for it in FURNITURE STORES and not WALMART… I just want to get where I’m going. I don’t want anything huge and glamorous, just a regular, middle class lifestyle. I want a house and two cars and some kids and a minivan and a good career. I want to contribute to society. 

Right now, I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. Like my life can’t START yet. I feel like I’m saddled to Ross, who is depressed and dragging me down, and who doesnt have enough ambition for me. He doesn’t seem to think we’re EVER going to make it, he doesn’t think we’ll EVER be financially secure, that we could EVER buy a house, that we could ever DREAM of paying actual MOVERS to move our stuff from AK to CO. I hate that. He has talked a few times about going to film school (not for acting, but more like for set design/make up/costume, writing, etc.) in Denver, and that makes me excited. I feel like he needs to take care of himself, though, and see a psychiatrist, take his medication regularly, REALIZE how important it is, and start living with goals. 

I want to leave him and tell him to figure his shit out. I’ve tried to help, and it’s not that I dont want to be WITH HIM, I just don’t want to be in the same house with him all the time while he drags me down, constantly. I HATE feeling like I have to tip toe around my house, I have to hide things from him so he doesnt get upset, I have to lie to keep him from over reacting, I have to sugar coat things, I have to stick up for Kasin all the time for everything. I’m sick of it. I just want him to have some coping skills, some motivation, some enthusiasm for life. 

Can you see how sometimes it doesn’t seem like we’re gunna make it? I hate this feeling, it’s so familiar. I don’t know whether to stick it out or GET OUT, and I don’t know what to do. *sigh*