Not that anyone still reads..

Man, so I’m reading a Nora Roberts book. I’m not big on romance, but I guess I do read a lot of chick lit. I like light, airy novels and movies. I don’t like horror, I don’t like suspense, I don’t like action. I just like to chill and go somewhere else for a while. I like to relax. I like to get out of my own life and chill the eff out. MY reality is dramatic enough that I don’t feel the need to get all wound up over something fake. I’d rather take in something funny, something sweet, something cute, something light… something fun, nice, pretty, romantic…

But I’m starting to feel like Im setting myself up for disappointment. I’m reading "Red Lily" which is the third book in the garden series, if any of you are big Nora Roberts fans… anyways, it’s really sweet. This girl is a single mom whose baby has no contact with her real father (he doesn’t even know about the pregnancy/baby.) and she falls in love with her boss’s son and he swoops in and is an amazing dad to the daughter, and they get married and have another baby together and they all take his last name (even the daughter from the previous relationship) and live happily ever after.

Well, fuck. Isn’t that nice? That must be LOVELY. But I wouldn’t know.

Ross and I have been fighting alllllllllllllllllllllllllll fucking weekend. He says things to me like "you simply refuse to do anything to help me." and "cleaning up after the three of you is so fucking exhausting." and so and so on. Here’s the story: I don’t do much housework. Ross keeps everything the way he wants it, I can never even find my stuff, he washes cups before I’m even done drinking out of them, he moves all my shit so that I can’t EVER find it, and then swears he never touched it. He rearranges furniture, pictures, clocks, books, clothes, hampers, dishes, boxed/canned goods, everything ALL THE TIME. He puts shit away in a different spot every time he touches it. It makes me INSANE.

But I’m to a point with it where I just sit back and let it go. I just let him do his thing. But that means I’m not touching any of it. He can just do it his way. He doesn’t let me control anything in the house, so he can just manage it himself. I don’t even know where to begin anymore.

His anxiety and depression issues make him impossible to deal with. I can’t do anything right, and I can’t really even do anything at all. I can’t do anything for myself, I can’t be spontaneous. I’m living in a world where I can’t be myself, and I feel like the kids can’t even be kids and be themselves. Ross looks at me like I’m deranged when I play with Kasin. He thinks I’m babying him and that he’s spoiled and that he acts out because he’s so spoiled rotten and he thinks he’s entitled. HE IS ENTITLED. Entitled to be himself, be a kid, and be happy. 

Seriously. I dont know what to do with my life right now.