Mom Left Today

I just got back from the airport.  I had to drop my mom off.  I didn’t have a panic attack this time.  She stayed 5 days more than she was supposed to and we went through my house and cleared all the clutter out.  I mean we tackled every room, every closet, even the bathrooms!  It’s weird how just having a neat and clutter free place can make me feel this much more sane!

I think it’s part of the reason why I felt like such a bad mom, the messy house anyway.  I know growing up we always lived in a clean environment, and were taught that you do your chores first and then you can go play.  I really want to instill that in my kids, so starting out with such a horrible mess and not being able to catch up on my own, between watching kids and making meals, was really weighing on me apparently.  I spoke with my husband about it too, about how I really need to have a clean place for my stress level to be down.  He said he’d do his best to try to stay clean for me.  I hope he does…. already on his side of the room his dirty pants from yesterday are on the floor with his shoes by the bed instead of in the hamper or on the shoe rack…  but… I guess I can take the extra steps and just clean up after him again…

I went to my psychologist yesterday.  It was a better visit.  Instead of her just telling me what I already know (that my anxiety stems from my father, and it is being amplified by my grieving over the loss of my job, and she shock of the responsibility of a stay at home mom, also compounded by our new financial situation) she gave me some tools to try and calm myself down from a panic attack.  That in itself helps me to not be so worried because I feel like I have something to fight it now.  I know it sounds silly, but not knowing what to do when it comes on just makes the attacks worse.  It’s like worry compounding on itself until you just overheat like a car or something… it’s so weird.

Anyway, so today is the first day that I will be alone with m y kids since the first attack on December 4th.  I am really hoping it goes well.  I don’t know what I’m so afraid of since I did it alone for so many months before the attacks, and I feel like I’m in a better place mentally now. 

Anyway, kids are up now, here we go…