Lots Of Catching Up To Do

Well, Heather did move away to North Carolina… I do miss her A LOT!!! More than I can express in words, but we talk just about every day. About two weeks before she left I found out I was pregnant, and still am for that matter. : ) That was in June I believe, and now it’s the end of November. I brought her down last month to find out the sex of the baby with me and it’s a GIRL! I’m so glad she could be a part of it.

I find it strange how I haven’t written about that yet. I think it’s because I’m still kind of in denial. I mean, a part of me is excited, but a bigger part of me is scared, and a small part of me is almost…. unfeeling?? Is that the right word? towards the whole thing.

I thought "oh when I hear the heartbeat for the first time surely things will be different", or "when I feel it kick, or when I find out what it is…. surely things will change and I’ll have this connection like I’ve never felt". But that has yet to happen… I don’t know if that’s normal, or if I am unfit to be a mother? I feel almost as if I am incapable of loving anymore. Like it’s all been sucked out of me and I forgot what it feels like to really love and that scares me… I have so few relationships that involve love, I have my sisters of course and my mother, not sure if I still love my father, and of course there is Josh… no friends to speak of… I think I’ve truly forgotten how. I close myself off from any chance of even starting a friendship, I’ll find any excuse to stop it before it’s started all in fear that it’ll end anyway…. how do I break myself of that?

My sisters are already so excited for me and I think they love this child more than I do…

I know I want the best for her, and I never want her to feel cheated out of an opportunity, or feel any pain or suffering, or ever feel like I don’t love her… so I guess I better learn how again.

I’m so nervous that I’ll be a disappointment to her, that she’ll grow up and realize just what a loser of a mother she has, never accomplished anything, works at a dead end office job keying in numbers all day, and that I really am lost and don’t know much about anything…

I just want to have all the answers for her and I won’t… I hope she will forgive me for that…

I just want to be a good mother and provide a safe and happy place she can come home to and always have that feeling of security a family brings… because I really miss that about the family I used to have. I never want her to feel as I do now…

I really hope that she has everything in life that I didn’t get a chance to have myself.