It’s never what you think

So, I’ve found a new job, I’m working at Bass Pro Shops in Grapevine.  I’m a cashier.  I could have worked at Cintas in their accounting department doing accounts payable and accounts receivable, they asked to hire me and even made me come back in when I first turned it down to fit some of the job responsibilities around me.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided Bass Pro as a part time cashier would be better than a full time accounting job with benefits.  Maybe because I was thinking I quit my last job to get out of the financial stuff and go part time so I’d have time for school.  I’m just kind of down about it right now I guess.

I mean here I am 26 years old, yes I am married and have a house, but I don’t like where my career has gone.  And now I’m asking myself, do we want to have kids??  I know we can’t afford them now, but when I go back to school, if I am able to get my masters like I want, the earliest I can start to have a family would be at 32, and my baby-having cut off age for myself is 30…

I guess there are just a lot of things I haven’t planned or thought about and I’ve been winging life most of the way and now that I’m at a critical age, it seems I can only either have one or the other, a good career or a family life.  Maybe it’s just too much to ask for both. 

I talk to my husband about this stuff and it seems I just stress him out.  I’ve been bringing it up for the past week, wondering what he’d be more happy with or if he even wants a kid, and it has been effecting his work.  Last week he got praise for the good work he was doing, and this week he said he made 3 mistakes and they had to take him into the office and ask him what was going on in his family life to make him make these mistakes.  I didn’t realize I was making him so upset about things.  He didn’t say anything to me about it.

I keep having dreams about people from my past too, that’s gotten me a little upset.  I’ve been feeling like my marriage is getting harder and harder to keep.  I don’t know if Josh feels the same, but we don’t seem to connect physically anymore.  I feel like I’m just there so he can get off.  There is no romance, no passion, just mechanical movements.  And lately I get no pleasure from it.  I can’t really even remember the last time we made out.  Isn’t that sad?  And here I am talking about babies… like that will help us.  Maybe we need to go to a counselor or something.  I mean I talk to Josh about why it’s like this and all he says is he’s having trouble at work.  I think it’s because he’s not attracted to me anymore, I mean I have put on 10lbs since we got married.  I’m now a whopping 153lbs, but that’s 5lbs lighter than last month.  At least I’m losing it I guess…. I just don’t know, and sometimes I think we, people in general, don’t say things so that we won’t hurt the others feelings.  But I think ignoring the problem hurts worse.  I also didn’t take Cintas because I thought the pay would be good enough to support myself… and I didn’t want that to tempt me.  I’ve been so upset with things lately I just wonder if Josh would be better off without me.  I just cause him too much stress sometimes.

I guess I just wish things were easier.  *sighs

I haven’t talked to my mom in a long time either… I miss her since she moved.  I miss feeling like I have parents, someone to guide me and give me advice.  I feel like I’m lost and I’m hoping I’ve picked the right path.  I mean, there is no reset button to life… But since their divorce, my dad could give a shit about me, he calls me maybe once every 6 months, and my mom is too busy living her life as a teenager and doing things she missed out on because she was raising us kids, it’s like I’m talking to a friend more than a mother.   Guess they’re not the best to give advice, seems like they don’t know themselves.  Hell, maybe nobody does.  Guess I’ll just keep winging it…